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Question: The lifestyle tore my life apart....what now?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My wife 'escaped' from me and into the lifestyle. She immediately began delving in: ‘going emotional’. After 3 months, she fell for one particular partner; at the same time, she encouraged and enabled my relationship with his other half [She really wanted carte blanc with him.] After about 7 months she left me for him.

His wife pulled every stop -- and managed (but just) to keep him from jumping ship too. In a wreck, my wife came back to me.

She made it an affair. Now she is getting over him and is relying on my shoulder. She wants to divide guilt 1/4 per person in the foursome.

Have you heard similar stories? Do couples survive this? Any anecdotes (or antidotes) you can share would be helpful. Thanks for any advice.

PS: She said that prior to the Lifestyle, she had no fantasies about other men. She also said that she was ‘contently discontent’. I was her first lover, and had been her only for 20 years. She took to the Lifestyle like a ‘reformed’ alcoholic takes to a binge. I am confused, broken-hearted and out-to-sea.

[For further insight into us, see 'profile'.]


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Your profile says it all, and contains all of the insight I would have given you. Reread your own profile. It is full of hard-earned wisdom and should be used as a reminder.

All I would like to add is that I hope that you both have bowed out of the lifestyle for the sake of mending your wounds. I've heard many stories similar in nature to this, and have endured one myself from my first marriage. Some couples survive this, and some don't. My marriage didn't survive it, but I can't recount the story because the situation was so very different, despite having the same end result. My husband and I didn't have 20 years of love and devotion to back us up as you do, so our chances of surviving were much less than yours.
No two situations are ever alike, and therefore should not be compared.
Don't allow the lifestyle to further the rift. If you truly believe your love is worth saving, and that eventually you can forgive this, no matter how wrong it was, focus on that. Please- for your own sake.

If you need to talk, I'll gladly lend a shoulder to lean on through my private e-mail on AskRobyn. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need me. This is something that we might be able to facilitate a bit easier in that manner, and I'd love to help you through this and perhaps share some more personal anecdotes if you'd like :)
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