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Question: Vanilla girlfriend, possibly a sex partner, is making me uneasy

Dear Lounge Advice,

We have a friend that started out as a vanilla friend. We both enjoy her company immensely - she's great! Lately, I have begun feeling that the connection between my husband and her is more than I'm comfortable with. They both LOVE flirting... and they are both experts! Most of the time I am there, which is great, but I find myself getting jealous - and I don't know why. I feel as though we overstepped some set boundaries to let her get close to us. She's beautiful (people mistake us for sisters - she looks like me but 4 inches taller and much younger), incredibly intelligent, and a self-proclaimed nymphomaniac. My husband finds her incredibly attractive and exciting - somewhat of a wild child.

The opportunity has arisen where four of us will be together for a night, and I know that their attraction for each other is to be together. My husband would never leave me out, and if I said "timeout" he would instantly. But I can't help feeling uneasy about it. I want to let him enjoy his time with her, but am feeling so uncomfortable with the whole thing - maybe due to the time they spend together flirting.... the tension built up is quite high after months of this.

I've had little "fits" about it, and he says he'll be strong and make it all stop... but I don't think that he can and still be happy. He says it doesn't matter, that there's no agenda, but I can't help feeling guilty that I'm stopping him from having fun due to unfounded jealousy. I know that I would have fun throughout the night - after all there is 4 of us, but how do a cope with these confidence issues?

Any thoughts?



Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Granted, you are both in the lifestyle and are obviously open to this kind of play with others. However, I can empathize with your concerns. Being that this is a vanilla friend who may turn out to be more, you have every right to feel the way you do. I would probably feel the same if put into your situation. Had this been a lifestyle friend, it would be a different story.
It seems that your hubby has developed a bit of a kinship with this woman, and that is fine. But, it is the kinship that would be the issue. If they have drawn this close, I would be cautious about pursuing sexual relationships with this woman. Kinships often involve a certain degree of feelings. If he feels a connection with this woman, beyond just sexual urges, I would be wary. Granted, she is a friend to you both, but I think it should stay that way.
Everything that you outlined in your letter to me should be voiced to your husband. If your opinions are truly valued in this relationship, he will see that this endeavor is not worth the risk, and the consequences are not worth putting your relationship in peril. PLEASE, speak your mind. The way in which you described your husband leads me to believe that he IS a sensitive man to your needs, and will quell his urge to be with this woman in a manner beyond friendship. If you are truly uncomfortable with this, it should not happen. Please do not worry about how your husband may feel regarding this decision. The lifestyle is about mutual comfort. In this particular situation, mutual comfort is not present, so it should NOT happen.
If, upon further communication between you and your husband, you feel that this sexual situation can take place, then please ensure that you communicate extensively afterwards. Otherwise, this situations' problems will only exacerbate, and a rift will form.
This, my dear, is entirely up to you.
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