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Question: I know my wife cheated but I don't want to pursue it and risk the relationship over it.

Dear Lounge Advice,

Did I do the right thing?

Dear Advice,

My wife and I have been in the lifestyle (off and on) for 4 years. A few years back, we decided to take a break because of some health issues that my wife was having. This was not a problem as I love her more than anything, and her health was more important to me then any other extra activities that we may have enjoyed in the past. After a year or so had passed, the subject of swinging came up in conversation, and she told me that she no longer wanted anyone else but me. Although I would have preferred to get back into the lifestyle, I agreed to understand, respect and accept her decision.

Several months ago, we decided at the last minute to go on a weekend getaway with some friends. The group was a mix of a few couples that are still in the lifestyle who we had played with in the past, and some vanilla couples and singles. The weekend started out great with everyone having fun, and it was apparent that my wife was feeling much friskier than she had in the past. I thought nothing of this and went along figuring we would end up playing with some of our old lifestyle buddies. The following night, my wife asked me to run several errands, and I noticed she was cozying up to one of the single (vanilla) males. After telling me it was time for bed, and after she thought I was asleep, my wife left and I heard her go into the single guys room. She was gone for about an hour, and then returned. Just so you understand, I have changed the story a bit so if she reads this she will not assume it was me that wrote it. Suffice to say, I was there, and I know what went on.

I confronted her about this on our way home, and she denied having done anything. She told me that she was off talking to someone, and that she would never have done something like that to me. I tried to explain to her that it wasnít about her wanting to be with someone else, in fact thatís what we had been in the lifestyle for. Itís about being open and honest, regardless of how embarrassed she may have been at getting caught. Afterwards, through no prompting by me, some of the friends that had been there that night began to tell me how happy they were that we playing again, and said they assumed that we were because of what my wife did that night. It also got back to me that the single guy had bragged about what went on that night. I again confronted my wife about this, only to have her again tell me that nothing happened, and that she canít be held responsible for what other people think or say.

As I have said, I love this woman so much, and I also know what went on as there have been too many clues beyond what I have mentioned above. I am, I think, an intelligent individual, and I know that when something walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it is a duck regardless of its attempt to convince you itís a cat.

Now for my question: I have decided to drop the entire issue, as it appears to me that my wife is probably too embarrassed by this incident, tried initially to cover it up, and now does not see any other option beyond trying to continue the lie. This may be because of her past relationships which were never good and always involved a high level of mistrust, or because she is just plain scared that if she were to admit the whole thing to me I would think less of her and leave her, even though I have promised that that was not the case. I told her Iíd probably be pissed, but Iím not ready to throw something as special as what we have away over one transgression. Am I doing the right thing?

Anonymous


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

You're not doing the right thing. You obviously know what happened and you need to have her come clean about it. By dropping it, you are allowing her to walk all over you, and you're also saying that it was ok for her to do that to you. Don't stand for it. This is a blatant case of deception on her part, and you deserve to hear it from her. You may love her dearly, but you the right to feel angry and betrayed and you have a right to hear the truth.
We may be talking about 'one transgression' here, but it's one hell of a transgression and nothing to be brushed off. Nobody in their right mind would let this one slip. Please- respect yourself and get the answer you deserve, the one you already know, but she's unwilling to admit. Don't make excuses for her. There is no excuse for this.
If you let this go, you might as well tell her that it's ok that she did this to you, and it's perfectly acceptable for her to do it again in the future.
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