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Question: I was violated during swapping and my partner didn't seem to motice

Dear Lounge Advice,

We went to a couples house to play the other night and when things got started everything was fine. During the course of playing I was not having fun anymore. The person I was with was doing things that I asked him not to and in one instance he hurt me using his fingers inside me. I pretty much ended it with him. My problem was/is is that my partner didn't even pay any attention to what was happening with me. We have played before a few times and he's always looked at me or put his hands on me to see if everything was ok and it has been but this time he didn't and everything wasn't ok. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin his fun but now I feel betrayed and violated and he won't even admit his part in it. Now I don't know if I can trust him if we play again. It was like I wasn't even in the room. He had no idea that I had stopped playing. We usually talk after we leave a couples house but this time he didn't even say a word to me, he just fell asleep in the car, which made me feel even worse. What do I do now? How can I trust him to be there for me if we play again? Right now I don't even want to play with him. I'm hurt. How can you just ignore your partner like that and not care what is happening with them? I even touched his foot to get his attention but he said he didn't feel it. He said he was concentrating on what he was doing. So in other words ignoring me. How do I get past this???????




Dear (Anonymous),

I"m sorry about what happened to you. Although most swinging experiences are wonderful, there will be rare times in which things go terribly wrong.
In endeding the session with the man who violated you, that was the right move. However, by not saying anything to your partner for fear of ruining his fun, you did not choose wisely. In a situation such as this, everything should have come to a screeching halt, no matter how much fun you think your partner is having.
Your feelings of being invisible are perfectly valid, and it is quite natural for both partners to check on each other periodically. You say that this is not his normal behavior, so this indicates that this particular circumstance may have been a fluke more than something done out of disregard. I myself have been guilty of getting so wrapped up in an experience with someone, that my surroundings completely disappear and I'm entirely focused on the pleasure I'm giving/receiving. I've had swing partners that have experienced this as well. It wasn't necessarily that I didn't care about my other half's well-being, just that the moment happened to command my full attention. Perhaps your partner's focus was just finite this time. When he admitted to concentrating on he was doing, this is exactly what I'm usually doing when I lose myself in the moment, and not necessarily ignoring my partner.

While in the heat of the moment, having one's foot touched may not even penetrate the senses because of the overwhelming nature of touch that is already in progress. A touch of the foot from you may have gone unregistered because it was a minor sensory sensation compared the the sexual acts in which he was partaking. You yourself admitted that you didn't want to ruin his fun, so the touch of your foot may not have been very urgent. Subtle signals in this case were probably a poor choice.
You should have grabbed him by the arm or something that would be sure to command his attention, so that you could let him know that without a doubt that you were uncomfortable.
If he would have been unconcerned at this point, then I'd be extremely upset.
You say not that you feel betrayed and violated, which you definitely should, but you say that he won't admit his part in it, which upsets you. This is hard to say, but it wasn't your partner who violated you. And by you not speaking up when you should have, you were betrayed by nobody but yourself. He simply had no idea that you were being hurt, and I have a feeling that if you had been more forceful in your attempt to get his attention, he would have reacted in your favor, since you say this is indicative of his normal behavior.
If the pattern of him ignoring you continues, then you have reason to feel hurt.
On the way home, this situation needed to be addressed. Again, you held back when you shouldn't have. Next time, wake him up, whether he protests or not, and tell him that it is extremely urgent that you talk.
Communication is key, and there just wasn't enough communication initiated in a situation that demanded it.
The only 'bad guy' in this scenario is the person who violated you. This appears to be a case of misunderstandings and lack of communication more than one of blatant disregard for someone's welfare.
I'm unsure from your letter whether you spoke extensively about this at a later time, and what the result of that was. However, if he does hold your welfare and feelings in high regard, he will certainly be apologetic to you for what happened, and perhaps regretful about letting the moment steal his entire focus from you.
If you communicate honestly to him about this, and he still doesn't pay attention to your situation in the future, then it's time to stop and reevaluate any further swinging activities. You two are the most important two people in the world when it comes to the lifestyle. Make sure that remains a priority.

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