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Question: New and wondering what to expect

Dear Lounge Advice,

We have been talking about swinging now for three years. During that time we've been working on expanding our family and all sorts of other things but the lifestyle and the LL have been on our minds. So now we are in a position that we can finally meet some people and hopefully get to have some fun. My question is, how do you know it's something you will be into, until you try it? How can you know it might not be something you are into until you try it? We hear of all these bad experiences, and it's a little scary because we don't want to be those people, but we've never tried anything, so how do you know? We are stable in our marriage and very much in love and fully respect each other. I would just hate to be in the middle of doing someone and all of a sudden my husband is freaking out or he's in the middle of doing someone and I'm freaking out. I mean, I don't think we are like that, but I also haven't seen my husband screwing someone yet! Help! We really want to do this and have it be fun and right. Hope my question doesn't sound dumb.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Place yourselves in certain situations and try to answer hypothetical questions. If you are the woman, how will you feel if your mate hits on another woman at a lifestyle event? If you are the man, how would you react if another man was getting friendly with your wife, with the intention of enjoying sexual relations? How do you think either one of you would respond if an extremely appealing individual invited one of you out alone without the otherís knowledge? Would temptation be too hard to handle, or would your significant other have the strength to say no and inform you of the occurrence? Would you be able to handle seeing your partner engage in mind-blowing sex with another? Or, are you only considering the lifestyle because you no longer feel an attraction to your partner, and are seeking a way to satiate your sexual needs since you are not achieving this at home? Are you doing this because your partner wants sex a lot more often than you, and this is your answer for allowing them to vent some of those sexual urges while you sleep with someone just so he or she can do so?

Communication is key! If you are going to swing, this is THE most important factor to ensure success in your endeavors. Talk about everything, from possible situations, to feelings, to comfort levels. It is an awful feeling to get hurt when you see a partner do something that you just don't want to see while swinging. Discuss your boundaries up front. If someone gets hurt because you did not express your feelings, the fault lays on you for not expressing yourself. Remember, your mate is not a mind reader, so you must tell him or her what you want and do not want. If this is made known, and they still do it, THEN it is their fault. After every encounter, you will have to talk about it. Ask your partner, "Were you comfortable with what happened?" "Did anything bother you?" This will display your care for their feelings, and will make them more secure upon future rendezvous. Obviously, communication is a key factor in any relationship, but in the lifestyle, it can make or break you. Your sexuality is sacred, and you wouldn't share it with just anyone. After all, sexuality is one of the many important things to bonds you to your partner, so sharing it with others is no light matter.
We've all been there! Yes, you'll be nervous. Yes, you'll be unsure of what to expect. Yes, you will have fears. It's normal. After you've talked and evaluated your reasons for wanting to swing, and you feel it is right for you, explore away!
If you're as stable as you say, and your lines of communication are wide open, you're ready for this.
You'll probably find that, like most, it's a wonderful experience. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride! No pun intended ;)
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