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Question: I feel like I'm coming in 2nd place to the lifestyle

Dear Lounge Advice,

My significant other and I have been in the LS now for almost a year. I have discovered I have different reasons for being in it then he does. I enjoy us being with other couples, getting totally turned on, but with him finishing with me. I find the whole situation so erotic but I want to experience the finishing act with him only. He just doesn't understand this. I feel all he wants to do is have as much sex with different people and doesn't consider my feelings truly at all. I have also expressed to him that I feel left out, he doesn't include me in meeting people on the sites. I feel he has totally forgotten about me/US!!! He says he is listening but when I want some alone time with him he ignores this and tries to find couples to play with every weekend. I don't want our life to only revolve around the LS. I also feel that he doesn't want to play with me more than once a week. I am hurt over this also, that he can get excited over other women before he can get excited with me. Have I already borred him? I want this to work (the LS) but I want to come first!!!!! I want him to play with me more than once a week. How can I get him to see this and understand my feelings? How can I get him to come out of the "candy store" and pay attention to me again!!!

Feeling lost!



Dear (Anonymous),

Here is an excerpt from something I am writing that I believe is relevant to your situation.

<< This is the time to look inside the dynamics of your relationship with your mate and determine: Do we have the essential elements needed to make an open relationship viable? This is not a time to rationalize weaknesses by saying that they arenít important; that they will hold up to any challenges swinging will offer. This is a time to be brutally honest and determine, above all is, if your relationship will be sturdy enough to handle any encumbrance that is presented when you and your partner partake in sexual relations with others. You would be demeaning the value of your bond with your significant other if you were to venture into this lifestyle with the goal of sleeping with others above the fate of your relationship. If this is the case, you will quickly find that your misplaced priorities will eclipse the strength of your bond, therefore placing your entire foundation in peril.
If you do not feel that the communication in your relationship is up to par, please do not consider the lifestyle until it is. If you or your mate cannot adequately express yourself and your feelings, then you will experience overwhelming difficulties while attempting to swing. >>

The number one rule for couples in this lifestyle is:
No other couple should take priority. Your man is your top focus, and you should be his. My partner puts it well: You should be the one that gets him hard. Everything else is a bonus.
The lifestyle should be your style, not your life. YOU are his life. HE is yours. If only one half of the couple grasps this concept, the lifestyle needs to be put on hold until both have their priorities straight.
Talk to him again! Be firm and let your conviction show. Everything you expressed in your letter to me needs to be conveyed to him. If he continues to ignore your feelings, cut him off. No more lifestyle, period. He may not like it, but his reaction and overall method of handling this will be a telltale sign. If he resists and makes a big ordeal out of the decision to leave the lifestyle behind while you mend your own relations, that's a warning sign. It signifies that you are not the most important thing in his life, and his priorities are seriously misplaced. If he agrees that taking a step back and working on your own relations is a viable option, and is understanding of your concerns, great!
If you're feeling like you're not taking the the blue ribbon in your partner's eyes, it's time to reevaluate your involvement in the lifestyle
This is the time for you to have the upper hand to determine once and for all where he stands. The lifestyle will still be here when all of your issues are ironed out. Take the time to make yourselves better. Then, if all works out, and your foundation is stronger, you can return to this.
I'll leave you with my lifestyle analogy.

Swinging in a relationship is like the wind to a fire. If the fire is strong, swinging will be the wind that breathes more life into your fire, making it burn brightly. If your fire is weak, that same wind will eventually extinguish the flames.

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