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Question: Hard evidence points to a cheating spouse

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband works away from home every other week. On two separate occasions, I found condoms in his overnight bag while I was unpacking his laundry. He explained them away by saying he transferred them from our play bag so company wouldn't find them....... Ok. I found Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra in his toiletries bag. Well, given the prior evidence, I took a count. He came home this week, and I recounted. Missing: 2 Cialis, and 1 Viagra. He seems to be having episodes of alzhiemers, he doesn't know what happened to them. It's very obvious that he didn't use them on my account. I'm feeling very hurt and betrayed. He knows he is lying, and I know he is lying. Please advise.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

You did the fiar thing by giving him the benefit of the doubt and allowing him to explain himself the first time. Before I give my recommendations, remember-
One time fooled- shame on him
Twice fooled- shame on you

It's time to confront him again with this. Ask him if he thinks you're stupid. Ask him what he would think if he were you and were in this situation. Ask him why, if you are in the lifestyle, he still needs to go behind your back.
Tell him you're hurt and feel betrayed. Tell him you're not going to take this. Tell him you're not stupid, and that you're not going to stay with him if he's cheating on you.
Scare the wits out of him. Once cheating spouses truly believe that they may lose what they have because of their unscrupulous actions, it's enough to sober them up.
You have to rehearse this to yourself a few times so that when the confrontation arrives, you have a clear plan of what to say. If your anger rises up, keep your composure to keep the upper hand. Your conviction will be the key to the outcome of this confrontation. I don't know if there are kids involved in your life, but if you must, pack your bags and stay elsewhere for a while. Or, have him pack his.
If you want to do further investigating, keep a tally for a couple more weeks. In a past relationship, before I walked out on my ex-husband (who was in the lifestyle with me and cheating), I seriously considered hiring a private eye to confirm my suspicions. If you have the resources to do this, it's one of the best ways to nail down hard evidence from a reliable second party.
I'm sorry you're going through this, as I can truly empathize. If you need to talk further, I would be glad to lend an ear and help you through this. My e-mail is listed in the AskRobyn profile. Please feel free to contact me if you don't have anyone else to turn to. I would have loved someone to talk to when I was in this situation, and I know that you may need that too.
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