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Question: Should we tell his fiancee that he's asking my wife for sex?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My wife was approached for sex from a long ago former boyfriend who is about to be married. He is not in the lifestyle but she thinks he knows that we are. His fiancee neither knows nor seems the type to be interested.

My questions is whether or not I should let his fiancee know what she is getting into. My wife, who is friends to both of them, wants to let it slide.

I guess if I were in her shoes, I would want to know.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

If I was about to marry someone like that, I'd like to know just what I was dealing with, as you noted at the end of your letter. I don't think that letting him get away with what he did is the proper course of action. However, tread carefully if you plan to let his fiancee in on his dirty little secret.
There will be repercussions from letting her in on this type of knowledge. Most people who are engaged are still in that fantasy state, thinking their significant other is perfect and could do no wrong. I don't know what kind of person she is, but it may be possible that she won't believe what you say. When he finds out that you have let the proverbial cat out of the bag, he may retaliate. One or both of them may try to cause problems with you, perhaps thinking that you are only trying to meddle in their happy premarital bliss.
My hubby and I both concur that not only should he not be allowed to slide after such foul behavior, but that his fiancee should be aware of it. He crossed more than one strictly sacred boundary. IF you decide to tell her, do it with BOTH of them present. I know this is a tough thing to do, but the reasons are twofold. First, it will eliminate any thoughts on her part that you are trying to be sneaky and otherwise mess with her relationship. Doing it with both present will show that your intentions are apparent. Second, this will put him in a prime position. If he chooses to lie about this, he will have to lie to three people all at once, which takes a huge set of balls- something he doesn't seem to have much of.
Don't tell her without him present. If he hears it from her afterwards, and they're alone, it will be much easier for him to try to discredit you and run a BS story. He'll probably try to make you and your wife out to be terrible people for trying to claim such horrible things about him. He probably won't try to smear you when you're standing right there.
Please let her know. He needs to know that it's not ok to do something like this and think he can get away with it.
I truly wish I would have had someone to tell me what was going on behind my back in my previous relationship. Instead, many of my 'friends' chose not to say anything, and I was hurt even more after going for so long being oblivious to the deceptions at hand.
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