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Question: I feel that my wife gets to have all the fun, and I get nothing.

Dear Lounge Advice,

My wife and I are fairly new to the lifestyle. The original choice to get into the lifestyle was spured by my wife and I was a bit timid to get going. We have played with others and have not had any issues. It's been great! The only times I've had concerns was if I have felt the couple was into her, but not me, and I was just something they had to deal with in order for them to play with her, but I we have talked about it and that has been worked out.

The only thing I am having issues understanding is house parties. We have gone to a couple of house parties. Each time, I have had an issue of not knowing what to do. It's very bothersome to me. She seems to get all of the attention as she is drop dead gorgeous and I feel that she igores me until she feels I seem to disengage.

At the parties we've attended, the girls have begun by basically focusing on each other (kissing and fondling) and (basically) pushes the guys off to watch or go do whatever. That isn't too bad, but I start to feel like a pervert watching the girls and start to wonder around aimlessly. What seems to happen is that I have to tell myself not to get excited, or watch too much as, I'll start wanting to get invovled...and that's were the issue begins...

I'm told that I should just do whatever as long as it's not having to to with the girls and when(or if) they (the girls) want me to get involved, they will come get me. My wife tells me to just go do something. I start to feel discounted and envious and wish I could have as much fun as my wife appears to be having. The first hours can be this way. Nothing for me to do and everything for her. I understand that my posture changes into a sadness that is sometimes noticable to others. My wife tells me this happens only if I'm not getting attention too, and gets mad at me that I can't just wait to play until the girls are done.

I thought the idea of the lifestyle was to play as a couple and not exclude your spouse until you are ready to play naked...I am not sure what to do and how to handle this issue. Do I ignore the whole thing and think Football, Football Football, or what? I'm not jealous about her beauty, just envious that I don't feel the playing field is equal or I have as much fun as my wife does. I wish I could get over it. I need to figure a different take on the whole thing so I can. Can you help?



Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Your idea of playing as a couple and not excluding your spouse is correct. It is the foundation of swinging. Unless you and your wife have an explicit agreement that you are not to be involved, and you're ok (TRULY ok) with that, this general understanding applies. Obviously, being left out of the fun and being ignored is bothering you immensely. You shouldn't have to feel this way. If you want to get involved, but your wife isn't supportive of this, it's time to have a heart to heart. This situation simply isn't fair. It's extremely one-sided and she's acting in a selfish manner. My fiancee and I are not swappers, only girl-girl. However, since this is the agreement, out of respect for him, I rarely partake in that. If I do, I make sure he gets to watch and I always take care of him if he wants that. You can be involved in the girl-girl action to an extent. Usually, the girls share a little time together, with or without the partners watching. Then, perhaps the girls invite their guys onto the bed, or go into another room to finish with each other. That way, the girls get to have their fun, and the guys get to finish with their wives. This is a nice compromise since it allows the women to explore their bisexuality, and still gives the men both voyeuristic satisfaction, and the chance to climax with their wives at the end.
I would never bring my partner to these events and constantly partake in girl-girl action while he got nothing. Worse, I wouldn't treat his concerns as if they didn't matter. I love my partner and I want him to feel comfortable, needed and valued as part of this couple.
Even if you both only partake in this at the girl-girl level, she is certainly capable of providing these feelings to you, as her husband.
Sit her down and have a heart to heart. Inform her that you want to feel as if you're part of a couple, instead of just 'that guy' who comes along with the hot woman who gets all the play. Your role right now is more of a disposable side item than an equal partner. You're worth more than this, and if she can't understand how you're feeling, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your involvement in the lifestyle. If this continues, and your feelings of dejection escalate, this will eventually cause a rift in your relationship. Trust me, I've seen it too many times. Nip this in the butt before it gets worse.
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