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Question: My husband is cheating on me. What do I do?

Dear Lounge Advice,
My husband recently made comments about a new site he was checking out. At the time he did not show it to me. Later that day, he was at work and I was on the computer, I found the site he was talking about and found out he was on as a single guy! I read some of the mail he sent and was very shocked. It was like I was reading mail from someone other than my husband. He does not talk like that with me at all. Anyhow, he finally came home and I was very distant with him, I did not know what to say or how to bring it up. It did finally come out and he said that someone had told him about the site and he wanted to check it out. It was mostly a erotic picture site. I am gone, with work during the week and he said that it was just for visual stimulation while I was gone. He apologized and cancelled the subscription. We talked more about it during the week and worked some issues out. I thought things were getting better, but I still have issues with trust. A week later he left his email open while he was going and curiosity got the best of me...I found out he had relationship recently with a woman we met at a party! I know I did wrong by snooping. But now my trust is completely gone and I can not tell him how I found out this piece of information. He clearly needs something more than I can give. I have offered many times for him to play with others, as long a I know about it. But he is to afraid to hurt my feelings. Do I just ignore and let him have his fun, because I offered it? Do I run away? Do I confront him with the new information and ask why? and what can I do to make him be more open with me?
Please help!


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

I'm so sorry. This is the exact situation that happened to me that ended my marriage to my first husband. We were in the lifestyle and I let him have anyone he wanted, even went out of the way to do so, usually taking one for the team. I found out that he was going behind my back for a long long time, and heard it from more than one credible source, plus found proof. I can truly empathize with you. I confronted him after I ran away. I only ran away first because the situation demanded the flight first, and the confrontation after I was free. If you can, try to confront first. This is not an option. You MUST confront him. I don't really think the 'why' matters. The only thing that matters is that he did this. The 'why' has no bearing on it, only that the deed was done. You didn't do wrong by snooping. If you are a married couple, everything belongs to both of you, so his correspondence with anyone else is fair game. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING, should be secret in a marriage.
What can you do to make him be more open with you? Nothing. You can't make anyone do anything, especially your partner. By making him do something, it will lead to resentment, and more deceit.

I'm sorry to say this, and I know that some things are easier said than done. I know from hard experience. Is this a man that you think you can trust for the rest of your life? If your relationship is devoid of trust, it's not a real relationship. The first year of my marriage, a very good friend caught my husband out with another woman. I confronted him, then believed the story he made up, and swallowed it. I should have known that despite his claims of faithfulness that his one betrayal would lead to others. And it did. Usually as a rule, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Do what is best for YOU at this point. Confront, and be strong. Then, you need to decide what you want for your future. Do you want to feel less than a true cherished and loved wife? Do you want to go on in a relationship devoid of trust? Do you want to feel paranoid at all turns that he will do this again? Do you want to live without respect from him and for yourself? Do you want to feel that you're just not enough?

If you answer yes to any of these, stay blind and stay with him.

If you answer no to even one, re-evaluate your life and your relationship. This decision will be perhaps the toughest you make, but please make it.

You don't deserve this.


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