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Question: My husband completely disregarded me.

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband and I went to a swing club for the first time recently. The club was great and the energy was awesome. We went with a few couples that we know from the lifestyle so that made it even more fun. Everyone danced, drank and had a really great time. I repeatedly asked my husband to go with me into a private room to fool around because I wanted to have my first expereince in a swing club with him. But on every attempt he turned me down.

As the night wore on all of our friends left except for one couple that my husband invited from LL. I had never met the couple but my husband had spoken with them once. During our conversation I could see it was headed towards play and my husband finally asked the couple if they wanted to go to the rooms. Everyone was for it and stood up to walk to the rooms but me. I was so angry that my husband would turn me down all night but ask another couple to play.

I went along for the ride, took one for the team, and then faked being tired so we could leave. As we left the club my husband was walking arm and arm with the other couple several paces ahead of me. It was as if I disappeared all of a sudden.

I've since discussed my feelings over the situation with my husband yet he continues to tell me that I should have spoken up if I didn't want to swing with others and that he did want to be with me in the rooms because it wasn't romantic. Any advice on how I could better discuss this with my husband?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

First, BE HONEST with him. Do NOT sugarcoat your words, since this was such a horrible situation to be put in. He needs to know your true feelings, even if they sound harsh to him. He should have asked you first if it was ok to go back in the rooms with the couple. He shouldn't have assumed that you would be fine with it. On the other hand, if you had issues with the situation, you should have put a stop to it. Being in the lifestyle is about both partners having fun and enjoying themselves. You should NEVER take one for the team if you don't want to do so.
He was completely inconsiderate of your feelings, and didn't treat you properly in any way. He actions were entirely selfish, and if this continues, you are going to be miserable in the lifestyle.
Tell him that you need to be considered an equal partner in this. This means that he is to ask you if you are comfortable with the situations at hand, and he should always consult you before any play takes place. You would certainly do this for him. This is no different from any other decision that a committed couple makes. Jumping into bed with others is not something to be taken lightly. Just as he wouldn't go out and buy a car without speaking to you and receiving your input, he shouldn't 'offer' you to another man without knowing that it's consensual.
The lifestyle is about two people, not one. LEt him know that if he continues to operate in this manner, there WILL be no lifestyle anymore. He can either play by the rules and respect you, or he can't play at all.
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