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Question: My wife wants affairs, not the lifestyle

Dear Lounge Advice,
My wife and I have been married for sixteen years. Seven years ago, my wife went from 225lbs, down to 175. For the first time in her life she began to draw the attention of other men. She had her first affair six and a half years ago. That ended and we moved on with our lives. Two years later if happened again with the same guy. Again, we got by it and moved on with our lives. Two years ago, the day after Christmas to be exact, happened again with a different man. We limped our way past that... again... She said it was just sex, nothing more. I new she had sexual desires that she wanted to express, so I suggested that we try swinging. That way she could enjoy sexual freedom without the betrayal. I never have had a problem with the sexual side of everything, I could not handle the betrayal. She was all for it and even had a "playmate" in mind. I signed up for the LL and she was all "gung-ho". She had a few rondevous with her new friend. She said that she didn't want to tell him about LL and keep it between us. She would come home and share her experience with me, and that was fun, but it has gone on, and on, and she tells me about his personal life and the stuff he is going through. It has obviously turned into a relationship. She no longer wants to be in LL and says that she enjoys doing it "this" way. I feel very guilty for encouraging her and allowing her to get into this situation, and now want her to quit. We have three children and so it is not just our lives involved. I am not sure what to do, I wonder if this ends, will I just be on a waiting list until another one comes along?

I really do need help, I have done everything I could think of and everything I do turns out wrong. I just don't know what to do any more.

Thank you for listening,




Dear (Anonymous),

You may have missed my answer to your previous inquiry due to the volume of advice that bumped your thread to the archives, so I'll post my answer again:

Dear Anonymous,

Most people would not be as tolerant as you have been throughout this whole ordeal. I'm not sure of your reasons for putting up for so much. Even if you love her more than life, you have done more for her than she really deserves. That being said....Yes, you're being played, as you put it. She knows that she essentially got away with having two affairs, and you took her back. Not only that, you're raising the child borne of one affair. She probably figures that you'll continue to put up with future indiscretions, and she's guaranteed to continue her patterns. She thinks that she can placate you now by telling you about what happened afterward. After it happened once, and you let it slide by accepting it....ok. I can understand this to a point. By allowing her to do it again, part of the blame lies with you. You have indirectly condoned her actions.
It was noble of you to suggest the lifestyle, but if she's already getting what she wants on the side, why would she truly want to pursue this with the extra hitch of having a significant other to complicate her 'hookups'. So of course, the lifestyle is not what she is after. It's fairly obvious that she is after her own selfish gain, and probably will continue to have affairs with or without your blessing.
My questions to you are harsh but necessary- Do you have any measure of self-respect? Would you like to have some dignity as a human being? You need to seriously reconsider this relationship, no matter how much you have invested in it. If you stay with her and allow her to continue using you as a human doormat, then it is your prerogative. However, whatever she does to you from now on will be partially your fault, and if you allow this, you will have to live with the consequences. That means the emotional agony and psychological impact will be yours to bear entirely, as it is by your choice that you reap these ill-gotten gains. You're not running your life. She is. Is this what you really want?

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