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Question: We spend a lot of time around the LS, but very little playing

Dear Lounge Advice,

We have been "participating" in the lifestyle and going to couples clubs, and conventions for about 4 years now.

We are a married couple, and I consdir us very outgoing and sexy. My wife on some site we are on, gets some of the highest page views on the system.

Let me preface this by saying I never asked my wife for us to participate in the lifestyle, and have never laid out any expectations, as I did not want to ever be called or feel like one of those that people say "they only do this for the husband".... as I adore my wife and do not want anything she does not desire.

In our 4 years, we have only had about 4 connections with people that led to any form of sexual contact. 2 of those have been when we were out at vanilla clubs and brought home a single girl, and 2 of them with couples.

Neither of the single girls did I as the male part of the couple have intercourse with, but pleasured the single girl orally, and they were very satisfying and sensual experiences.

One of the couples we played with, my wife begged me to have sex with the lady, as she was a little older than me, and my wife felt she had the major hots for me, and my wife wanted very much to see me have sex with this lady.

Her hubby failed to perform , if you know what I mean, and became frustrated, and left his wife alone for the night with us, so my wife joined in and we all played together and had fabulous sex.

The other couple we played with, it was a very soft-swap and HOT Girl on Girl situation.

My wife has swithced our status back and forth from Soft Swap / FulL Sawp several times over the last 4 years, and has changed her status from Straight/Bi-Curious/Bi-Sexual several times.

I have questioned her several times about it, as to "what are we now", as I want her to take the lead.

Over the last year or so, I have actually not one time asked to go to the clubs or do anything in the lifestyle crowds, although every time we have any free time, she wants to go to the Couples Clubs and meet peopl off of the websites. She spends about 2 hours a day chatting with people from the different couples sites.

In the last year, we have not had one encounter with another couple or single, and I do not even see my wife try to "make it happen", and she knows I totaly let her take the lead.

My questions is this.. Do I have too high of expectations for a couple that spends so much time "participating" in the lifestyle? Is my wife really interested in the lifestyle, and if not, why does she continually requesting to go to Couples Clubs?

I would love to hear yor thoughts, and please let me know if you think I am way off base and wrong in my feelings.



Dear (Anonymous),

I can understand your frustration. However, I can see it from her point of view as well. I'm very similar to her in the fact that I spend a lot of time chatting and playing around on the websites. I also love going to the clubs and parties, as does my hubby. Playtime just isn't my priority. I simply enjoy surrounding myself with open-minded people. I feel that I can be myself around swingers and let down my hair, so to speak. She probably enjoys the 'swing ambiance' as I do. It quite rare for me to actually want to play around. I'm usually too busy just having a good time with like-minded people. It seems that you're fine with the low level of play that you're experiencing, so I wouldn't sweat it. Just be thankful that your wife is willing to be around this at all. So many men vent their frustrations to me that they wish their wives would show interest in swinging.
One thing that she DOES need to do though is this: She needs to decide what her 'bi-status' is and stick to it. She's either bisexual, bi-curious or she's straight. From the sounds of it, she's at bisexual. If she likes women and has been with them, she's not straight. If she continues to flip-flop her status, it will confuse people. If she appears to be confused over her sexuality, people will be less-inclined to show interest.
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