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Question: My friend has become VERY attached to another's hubby

Dear Lounge Advice,
Basically what happened was we were good friends with another couple. We played with them on several occasions and hung out strictly vanilla with the kids around. Upon becoming closer friends and talking to the wife of this couple she talked about another play partner constantly. As with several other friends in our group. This concerned me as I could sense she was becoming attached to this guy. She told me he was off limits and we would (I thought) tease each other that if she wouldn't share him I wouldn't share any of my play partners. She met one of mine and was all over him. Didn't bother me in the slightest. I was hoping they'd hook up. Well on NYE, our group all got together at their house including her elusive "favorite" and his wife. She was all over him and it was obvious he didn't reciprocate the same level of attachment. He started flirting with me and kissed me. My husband and a single girl played. Since everyone seemed to be playful, my husband tried to hook me up with an mfm with this woman's husband and a single guy. The husband didn't feel comfy so my husband asked "the favorite". He was excited and asked his wife. His wife said, go..have fun. He even asked the woman and she said ok. While this was going on, I had no idea. I went in the bedroom with a single guy and next thing I know the woman and her fave came in. I thought she would join us. She freaked out and didn't wanna stay but repeatedly told us it was fine. Immediately I told both guys she'd be pissed at me. Both guys assured me she'd be fine. Well...she wasn't. She went into a jealous rage. We didn't talk for a couple days, I wrote her a letter basically pointing out she was too attached. I apologized that she was hurt and tried to assure her we did not have this grand master plan to upset her. We really didn't. I'm concerned for my friend and feel horrible for her husband. I spoke to the fave the next day and he thinks we'll all be playing together and she'll get over it if he keeps having sex with her. Since then I hear he's told her that he's not attached but I know she still is. I also hear they were gonna take a break from the lifestyle but I've since heard they really aren't. We've had idle chit chat after not speaking for a couple days. I'm just saddened that our friendship is adversely affected over this attachment to her play partner and the funny thing is he and I didn't even take it all the way. Her husband did with me. But she doesn't care about that. Afterwards she labeled the party "vanilla" but if it was so vanilla then why was it only vanilla when it came to the fave? Also, it was ok with his wife, how can she even think she has a say to begin with?

The rest of the group think I did nothing wrong and that my letter to her was kind, caring, supportive and addressed all the points. This couple seemed to be so down to earth and real and we had such a great group going..it bothers me that we could've been so wrong about someone. Not sure if I can say or do anything to fix it that I haven't tried already. My husband thinks we should just walk away or tell them off or something. To me friendships are worth fighting for.

Sorry for the novel. I tend to do that. Just wanted to run this scenario by you and see if you've heard of this before and give me some words of wisdom. This is a first for me.

Thanks for your time. I appreciate it!!!


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

I've seen this before, at least something rather akin to it. If you feel that this friendship is worth fighting for, you and your friend need to sit down and have a very candid talk about this. Her attachment to this man has obviously gone too far. She refuses to see this. Her husband must feel terrible, even if he doesn't show it.
She's treading on very dangerous ground. She's risking some vital things here. First, her own husband is unwittingly placed in a precarious position. She's showing complete disrespect to him by acting the way she does with this other man. She's almost acting as if this other man is 'hers'. She is placing her husband's feelings in peril. She is also doing wrong by this man's wife with her actions. His wife will eventually put a stop to this if she catches on to this growing attachment.
Again, if you value this friendship, you need to lay these facts out to her. If she refuses to listen, she does so not only to the peril of herself, but to others as well.
This lifestyle shouldn't be about developing deep feelings and attachment for play partners. I've been down this road myself. It tears apart friendships and marriages. Of this I am certain.
She needs an intervention, and fast.
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