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Question: Hubby carrying on with another female in questionable manner- children involved

Dear Lounge Advice,First I want to thank you for your time. My husband and I have been in the lifestyle 5+ year's, We have enjoyed club's, house party's and Couples in thier home's, (kid's prevent us from hosting). Ok now here is my problem. When we discussed the lifestyle year's ago, I had asked for certain requirement's that would show respect for the both of us, The first is that if we meet a couple, that's how we play as a couple. Second that if he meet's a lady, (which is great with me, and I have told him that it's nice to have a break) On his own and want's to "play" to simply let me know he's going to be busy for a while, I don't want to know who she is. Or that it's someone that I (we) have met together. So we meet a "couple" which a few day's later we find out that they are not a couple, and the female has a boyfriend. After being told all this I asked to try to seperate us from them. But my man had recieved a call from the male of the couple asking him for some help on a project, now I was at work (2nd shift) and my husband went over to his house, the male had to leave suddenly and the female said that when she has heard the my husband was comming over she had showered and had gotten ready for him. So of course he "hit it" knowing that was a wrong thing to do. The male called me at work and told me what had happened,just after my husband left. I was upset to say the least and my husband played it down. So a few day's pass and my husband had asked both of them not to call and tell me thing's like that ever again, so she went to work with my husband and they were joking around and make a bet that if he was right he would get a B/J, if she was right then flat out sex, (she's a self admitted s**t) well husband won and she preformed for him and it did lead to sex, then after they were done she asked my husband for his cell phone because she had to talk to me, again I was at work, and gleefully told me what they had done, I asked her to hold on customer's had walked in, and when I picked up my phone my husband was on the line, he said that he didn't know why she did that and he would again remind her not to do that. Well a about 10 or so day's later she decided to move out and then only a week later the person who she was staying with was evicited, now she had called her bofriend and he said that he couldn't help has something else going on with his mom. So she called my husband and asked him for help, he went over and got her and her stuff, then called me to say that he was going to get her a room for the nite, that she didn't have a place to stay, I told him that she could stay at our house a few day's. Ok so that happens and she really start's to show alot of disrespect to not only me but to our children, my husband didin't "see" it that way and I was making things bigger than they were, one Sunday night when her B/F had dropped her at our house my husband thought that it would be fun for the three of us to "play" (our kid's were out),so we played and he was playing with her more than I and when she said to have some fun with me, so she could have a break he simply just said "I'll take care of her later". Well that never happend, the next morning I had said to him that i was really hurt. I was told that "it would never happen again". So we move into a new week and on friday of that week I was napping when they came home form work, Now our kid's were do home from school, she asked m husband to fuck her, he said not a good idea the kid's were due home in 20 min. or so she said that she would only take ten min. of his time. Her B/F was due to pick her up an hour or so later, she culd have waited for him but my husdand and she again "hit it", he got her off then came in to out bedroom and took a shower, now I'm up and doing laudry and I see blood in his boxer's, she had just finished her perioud,I had enough by the time he was out of the shower, acting like nothing was wrong, I said to him that he had better rince out his boxer's that there was blood on them, well he just couldn't understand way I was so upset so I said that once againd the both of them had showed no respect, she was in the other shower and her B/F came to get her, they hung around for about an hour, her B/F felt what was alot of tension and asked her what was up, she said oh nothing. At this time my kid's were home so I kept my self quiet and they left for the weekend. Now the B/F, kind of know's what's up but not that my husband and she are doing the things they are. I said that she was out of the house and that was that, my husband calls and tell's her that, her reply was, What do I tell B/F?, my husband made up a lie for her to tell him, ok so now she's out of our house. Then the sneaking over to see her start's, I figure it out ask my husband to please stop. He said ok, and just got sneakier about it, again I find out, then he just start's to flat out lie to me about it. So in the middle of a "discussion" I said that if he really needed to hit that crap to wear protection, thinking he was done. So that's what he does and they continue on for week's, as my marriage start's to fall apart I walk out 3 different time's, we try to work thing's out, but they are still seeing each other. Still the B/F has not a clue. Now I'm sure I don't know even a small amount of what really happend with them, and I'm hurt, depressed, so I stopped working to spend time with my husband and try to get thing's on the right track again. Married 15+ year's, I want to get thing's back to happier time's, I don't want the kid's to be disruppted more than they allready are. We have worked thing's so they are good, that's what's most important. So we try to move on and then we are asked to "play with true friend's of our's". And all is going well until the male partiner is unable to preform, and my husband and the lady are just "going to town" so to speak they don't see what's going on around them, I excuse my self to ues the restroom, get dressed and collect my stuff, go to our truck and just sit there, my emotion's way out of hand and I didn't want to embarress them any more. So we leave and my husband asked what the problem was. Now I can't even think clear, so I just don't say a thing at all to him. It hurt's terribly now to see him with a woman. How do I move on from this? Is stopping the lifestyle the only way? I do enjoy this part of our life. I just feel that what ever I do it's never enough with my husband if he doesn't agree with my actions or feelings. Also she's bi but would never play just with me, when my husbnd wasn't around, and I did make move's to play. THANK YOU!



Dear (Anonymous),

Damn, I feel for you. He's completely in the wrong and he knows it. To show this much disrespect to you is ridiculous. You both need to get out of the lifestyle completely. I mean it!!! I've seen enough people in this situation to tell you that you're treading on very dangerous ground. What complicates this is that you have children, and they're much more important than any lifestyle like this can possibly be. Plus, what happens if they somehow find out what's going on? Perhaps it may seems implausible to both of you, but children are much more perceptive than we think. I've been a teacher for years now, so I know what I'm talking about. Even if they don't find out, they do know that a marriage is suffering. How do you both feel knowing that your children are feeling the effects of a strained marriage because you're both involved in 'swinging gone bad'?
Even if no children were involved, I'd tell you to get out....yesterday. This has gone too far down the wrong road already and smacks of everything that could go wrong with this lifestyle if the communication and honesty are awry. I realize that you enjoy this. However, are you going to enjoy it anymore when it proceeds to ruin your marriage and your children's security and faith in mom and dad's love?
Think long and hard about your continuance in this lifestyle and place the most important people above all other consderations-the little people. No open relationship is worth the angst you feel, nor is it worth breaking up a longstanding marriage with kids involved. Communicate seriously with him. If he wants to continue this debauchery, he needs to get out of all of your lives, for the sake of all involved. It's the sex or it's his family. His response will show where his priorities lie.
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