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Question: My wife seems open about this LS...how do I plant the seeds?

Dear Lounge Advice,
I was encouraged to open a profile by a female friend of mine who had great things to say about LL. Anyway, my friend knows I am very sexually open, and would love to have my wife jump on board with swinging. Whenever I bring it up, she doesn't say, "No, that's discusting, you pervert!", but she's not exactly ready to go to a party either.
She's worried about co-workers, friends, family, etc. finding out.
She explains every situation that she wouldn't do it, but she's very vague as to when/where she would.
She has openly admitted to fantasizing about FMF, or FF play, but only when I ask her directly.
We are very sexual; toys, role play, light BDSM, porn, and home-videos, so she doesn't understand why I want more, and to enter the lifestyle.
I don't know what to do! I know I can't force her, but she's so fun and outgoing that I'm confident if she went to a party and met some people she would open up, but I can't even bring up the topic most days.
She's put the subject off by saying, when the boys are grown-up and gone, we can discuss it. That won't be for another 15 years.
Is she just saying no, but doesn't want to say it directly?
Should I give up and accept it my wife will never swing, or is there a subtle way plant seeds that will grow with time?
I love my wife, we are best friends, we are great parents, and have no other problems with our marriage. However, I'm worried this major difference in sexual preference will end our marriage.
What do you think? Please Help



Dear (Anonymous),

I think you're GREAT candidates for the lifestyle Lee! Many men write in saying they want more sex or they're not attracted to their partner, and wonder how to get her into the lfiestyle so they can satisfy their own selfish needs. What you wrote in is a rare side of a man wanting to join the lifesytle for the pleasure of BOTH. You describe your wife in loving terms and seem to want into this for the right reasons, so I'm more than willing to help YOU out!
Here's a perfect snipit out of the book I'm writing that should help you out:
This is the time to look inside the dynamics of your relationship with your mate and determine: Do we have the essential elements needed to make an open relationship viable? This is not a time to rationalize weaknesses by saying that they arenít important; that they will hold up to any challenges swinging will offer. This is a time to be brutally honest and determine, above all is, if your relationship will be sturdy enough to handle any encumbrance that is presented when you and your partner partake in sexual relations with others. You would be demeaning the value of your bond with your significant other if you were to venture into this lifestyle with the goal of sleeping with others above the fate of your relationship. If this is the case, you will quickly find that your misplaced priorities will eclipse the strength of your bond, therefore placing your entire foundation in peril. Place yourselves in certain situations and try to answer hypothetical questions. If you are the woman, how will you feel if your mate hits on another woman at a lifestyle event? If you are the man, how would you react if another man was getting friendly with your wife, with the intention of enjoying sexual relations? How do you think either one of you would respond if an extremely appealing individual invited one of you out alone without the otherís knowledge? Would temptation be too hard to handle, or would your significant other have the strength to say no and inform you of the occurrence? Would you be able to handle seeing your partner engage in mind-blowing sex with another? Or, are you only considering the lifestyle because you no longer feel an attraction to your partner, and are seeking a way to satiate your sexual needs since you are not achieving this at home? Are you doing this because your partner wants sex a lot more often than you, and this is your answer for allowing them to vent some of those sexual urges while you sleep with someone just so he or she can do so?
Many men have written for advice, asking how to get their wives into the lifestyle. Of course, in rare cases, the opposite may be the case, but weíll use the former example as a springboard for this scenario.
This is a treacherous method of entering the lifestyle, knowing that your partner may not be up to it quite yet. Please do not push your partner into doing anything she is not comfortable doing. This will only cause problems in your relationship. If you wish to get her interested, sit down and talk to her about your desires. Show her a swingerís website or a website of a local swinger's club. Explain to her that you can start on a swinger's site and see what happens. If she shows interest, great, but take it very slowly. You can't expect her to go from posting an ad to meeting a couple for full swap. Ask her if she would like to go to a club just to watch sometime, and take small steps from there accordingly.
As excited as you may be about swinging, it is best to step back and ascertain the best way for you both to enter the lifestyle comfortably. Your partner may require extensive time and exposure to feel at ease with this idea. Remember that many people hold misconceptions about the lifestyle and may need this time and experience to help clear up misunderstandings.
If you both do consider taking it further than online exploration, try attending a pressure-free event, such as a meet and greet, and make it clear that neither one of you is expected to do anything at all. This way, your experience will be much less intimidating and she will be more inclined to explore further.
If all goes well the first time them have her decide which event she might like to try the next time.

Your partner may warm up to the lifestyle a bit more if she enjoys the parties and the company and realizes that the stereotypes surrounding the lifestyle are often false and contrived. Attending lifestyle events serves many purposes for first-timers, or those who are otherwise timid of the initial experience. As a rule, she will be able to see firsthand the wonderful people that are involved in this, and understand that lifestylers are not depraved sexual predators, nor are they devoid of morals or couth. Morals are so subjective anyways, arenít they? In fact, anyone who attends a lifestyle event will see just how Ďnormalí many of these people are. Lifestylers are a microcosm of society, and come from all walks of life. They just happen to be a bit more open-minded in their sexual outlooks than most.

If you both opt to venture out to a function for the first time, do not expect your mate to do anything with anybody. Do not even allude to the possibility of such activity. This experience in and of itself will be enough of a sensory overload, without her mate expressing his desire for action. Simply allow her to take it all in, then discuss her reactions later. If this is done the right way, she may want more. After all, this was the initial goal.
If your mate expresses that she is just not interested, leave it at that. Tell her that is she would like to entertain the possibility, then she can bring it up when she's ready. Do not push! It will only make her feel insecure and make her wonder why you want to do this so badly. Women are delicate creatures sometimes, and we tend to analyze men's motives.
Guys, the best way to make her feel secure in entering the lifestyle is to reassure her that you love her, that she's beautiful, and that you are doing this not to find something better than her, but to enhance your relationship. If she doesn't hear this reassurance regularly, she will most likely assume that she just isn't enough for you, and that is why you feel the desire to swing.
It is perfectly healthy for one or both of you to determine that your relationship isnít quite ready to handle swinging yet. However, If you feel that you are both in it for the right reasons, and truly capable of withstanding some of the challenges the lifestyle may offer, and believe that you can meet these head-on while still enjoying yourselves and maintaining a strong bond, then you are good candidates for swinging. Now that youíve determined that your fire is strong, read on and get ready for the experience of a lifetime!

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