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Question: She broke all the rules and I don't know where to go from here

Dear Lounge Advice,

We are a committed couple and fairly new to the lifestyle. The "ms" newer than me. We have agreed to pursue a complete freedom in our sexual activity (her more slowly than me with granting freedoms).

I have agreed to and embraced the idea of her playing alone and having the experiences that she desires. She has always been interested in enjoying the play alone. The rules are in place to insure that these trysts will never be an "affair" but rather sexual in nature only. I have not been granted the permission to play alone as of yet as she is getting used to the idea and coming to grips with her emotions regarding that. She has stated that she wants than and is working on that adjustment.

The problem is that I allowed her to spend a weekend with a man she knows in Las Vegas. The weekend was filled with constant sex (which is cool) and what I see as "closeness". Our rules are clear. No emotional attachments or anything that would be construed as loving or emotional ties. We also have the agreement that she shares what happens, in detail so I feel as this is for the both of us and NOT an affair for her alone.

She broke BOTH rules. There was no communication. I have had to fight for information and feel like she will only share what happened when cornered. What I did learn was she also did most all the things that are relationship oriented (the affectionate things) that we specifically agreed that would not happen.

I now have issue with trusting her to protect me and our relationship in all this AND (not proudly mind you) I am feeling very jealous of her time away and I am worried that she is constantly comparing him and me when we have sex. Not a great position!

Again in what was shared it seems that he got her best which I have not seen from her. She was aggressive, experimental and showed enthusiasm with him that I have never felt from her!

I know itís a broad question but any advice? It's wrecking our relationship but she continues to fight giving me what I need to get past this. Those items include disclosure, expression of her caring about what I need and her openness about her feelings. HELP!



Dear (Anonymous),

First of all, you both need to stop this arrangement immediately. No more play alone, no more lifestyle activity, period. Don't allow yourselves to dig this hole any deeper than it is already. You stated that you are fairly new to the lifestyle, but it seems that you have gone from 0-60 in too short of a time. It is extremely rare for a couple who is new to the lfiestyle to make the arrangement that you have both made. It is even more rare for these arrangements to work out without tearing at the foundation of your bond.
You are both missing the most important key to surviving the lifestyle- Communication. If communications falter, this will only serve to tear you apart, as it seems to be doing already.
If she cannot adequately express herself
and divulge everything that happens, then you will experience overwhelming difficulties while attempting to continue on this path.
Second, and equally important to being here is trust. It's painfully obvious that the trust is not in place here. Already, this has created suspicion, resentment and myriad other negative emotions that tend to play havok on the very foundations of a relationship.
Your intentions, although good, were misplaced when you allowed this arrangement. It seems as though the ramifications of this were not truly considered in depth. You should not have allowed this arrangement to begin with, as I'm sure you are now painfully aware.
Although this certain bit of hidsight will not undo what is already done, it can be applied to future decisions.
You need to let her know that this will go no further because she cannot adhere to rules that were put in place. She refused to communicate, therefore creating mistrust. If she is not to be trusted, then this cannot work. Perhaps the most glaring part of all this is that she feels that it is okay to have the fun, but cannot seem to allow you to do it. She may have valid reasons for not allowing you to partake in the same pleasure, but she cannot hold you to these reasons, however justified they may be. This lifestyle is about the couple. If one of you is allowed to do something, the other should be permitted to do the same. She allowed no equity in this arrangement, therefore negating the whole reason for swinging. Your arrangement is not about the 'couple'. It is unbalanced, unfair and completely contradictory to the principles of swinging.
In essence, my advice is to take a BIG step back and look into the dynamics of your relationship together and determine: : Do we have the essential elements needed to make an open relationship viable? This is not a time to rationalize weaknesses by saying that they arenít important; that they will hold up to any challenges swinging will offer. This is a time to be brutally honest and determine, above all is, if your relationship will be sturdy enough to handle any encumbrance that is presented when you and your partner partake in sexual relations with others. You would be demeaning the value of your bond with your significant other if you were to venture into this lifestyle with the goal of sleeping with others above the fate of your relationship. If this is the case, you will quickly find that your misplaced priorities will eclipse the strength of your bond, therefore placing your entire foundation in peril.
If she truly values the bond that you both have and wishes not to place it in further peril, she will work with you on developing this communication. If she fights this, then you will see that her intetions for 'swinging' are perhaps not what you thought they were. This is a time at which you will gain much insight. If you need more advice during this process, please write back and I will do my best to guide you further. Good luck.

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