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Question: Unhappy and going in the worng direction with the LS and he doesn't see it.

Dear Lounge Advice,

Here's the situation, my husband introduced me to the lifestyle when we first met four years ago. At first I found it exciting and freeing and fun and all the good things it should be.

Lately, he has been so focused on what he wants he completely disregards what I want and need. "Taking one for the team," seemed to be all I was doing. In fact, it has gotten so bad that he has pressured and coerced me into having sex even when I have said absolutely not and that I was not comfortable. I have given in and then felt horrible, he would apologize but then it would happen again and again.

Last week we invited a single guy up to our hotel room (it would have been our first experience with a single guy), we had had a lot to drink so I'm not completely sure on how he was invited or who invited him but in our room the guy was and he expected sex and my husband expected me to have sex with him.

When the realization hit us that we didn't have condoms my husband went downstairs to find some, during his absence there was some play but I got uncomfortable and stopped it. Something wasn't right. The guy tried to pressure me and I kept saying no. When my husband came upstairs (no condoms to be found) the guy ran up to him to tell him that I didn't want to anymore.

My husband didn't escort the guy out the door, instead he said, "Don't worry I'll take my Viagra." The guy started groping me again and I said no, moving away from him several times. When he grabbed my hand the last time I finally yelled, "I said NO!"

My husband ran out and asked what I had done - I was immediately on the defensive and the guy started saying he hadn't done anything and that I was flipping out. My husband started saying I was crazy to the guy in a joking manner and not to worry he still had a chance of having sex with me that night once my husband got me warmed up. To me he said, "You should suck him off, its the least you can do."

After listening to them talk about how nuts I am, even though beautiful (my husband words, "She's beautiful but crazy.") and when we have him to the house he'll definitely be able to have sex with me and not to give up hope about the night as if I wasn't even there, I locked myself in the bathroom, eventually running downstairs barefoot to escape.

Later, my husband said I embarassed him and I put him in that position. When we got home, he took off his wedding band, said he wanted a break from our marriage and that I was to sleep in the guest bedroom.

But when I told him I wanted to cancel the lifestyle party we were planning at our home next week he said he still wants it to happen because he enjoys it and it would add adventure to our life.

We are seeing a therapist but she isn't part of the lifestyle and my question is this - my husband has been part of the lifestyle for over 30 years, but he was married and didn't participate with her (she ended her participation but he did it anyway without her knowing), his expectation and my promise to him was that we would be in the lifestyle and that I enjoyed it.

Things have changed, I no longer feel safe. I no longer trust him to support me or protect me. I no longer feel the freedom and fun I once did.

How do I get him to understand that the way he participated in the lifestyle before me is not the way I want to participate? He's used to the swinging scene thirty years ago that didn't involve condoms and doesn't understand how necessary they are now. How do I get him to understand that just because I want boundaries and will say no sometimes doesn't mean that I will always say no?

How do I get him to understand that just because he never wants to say no that it is okay if I say no and he should respect me enough to abide by that and that I am not trying to ruin his fun or control him?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

You both need to talk. Neither one of you needs to be in this lifestyle, as it will only prove to be your downfall if you stay involved. There are some key elements missing in your relationship- namely communication and trust. If you don't have this, nevermind what will happen in the lifestyle. You should be worried about the integrity of your marriage. The things he is doing are red flags and I can certainly understand the trust issues that have arisen.
If he has any respect for you and the relationship, he will allow you both the back out of the lifestyle and focus on your marriage. It will take time to rebuild trust and open up the communication lines again. But you need to be very candid in expressiing your feelings. If you waffle, he will not take you seriously. It's time to put your foot down and make him see that you want things to be put right again. The marriage is the priority, then you can revisit the lifestyle after things are set right. If he doesn't see it that way, then his priorities are seriously misplaced and you need to take a close look at where your relatiionship's future is going.
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