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Question: I hurt by his admittance of attraction to another woman

Dear Lounge Advice,
My husband and I have only been in the LS for a year. We really enjoy it. We got in it to fulfill his fantasies about seeing me with another man, and it sounded intriguing to me, so I agreed. We've enjoyed it ever since. Our rules are simple. I play with him and another man, he particpates, or takes pics or whatever. He does NOT play with other women. We are both comfortable and happy with this arrangement for now.

We recently had a couple contact us for some play. We explained our rules, and that Mr doesn't play with other females. They were fine with that. They come over. My MR and I start playing, the other couple starts playing, and everything is good. The MR joins my hubby and I for awhile, and things are great. My hubby starts taking pics of me and the other man, No problem. Then he starts taking pics of her. He did it so they could have some pics too though. Later when I looked at the pics we took, more than half of them were of her. I felt left out.

Don't misunderstand this, he loves me and I know this. He also will not cheat on me, No worries there. The next day, he tells me he really wanted to pleasure her, and sleep with her. He said that she was pretty, had a great body, and a great personality. I suddenly feel inferior, and inadequate. If he would have worded it differently, I don't think I would have been hurt. But he was attracted to every aspect of this woman. It wasn't just, "nice tits, wish I could touch them," he liked her face, her attitude, her body, everything! The reason we have the rule that he cannot play, is due to me being jealous. Not insanely so, but jealous nonetheless. I am not very self confident lately, and am self conscious about my weight, and body. So when he went on about how he liked everything about her, and THAT was why he wanted to sleep with her, I felt really hurt. I tried explaining my feelings to him, but he doesn't understand it. Am I just being silly? Does this make any sense to you? We really enjoy the LS, but this has kind of put a damper on things. Up until this couple, we had only ever played with single males, and things were always perfect. How can I help him understand why I'm so hurt, and how can I get over this?

Hurt By Admittedly Illogical Causes



Dear (Anonymous),

This is simply unfair to him. I realize that while you both agreed on him not playing with other females, you're now upset with him for telling you something honest. He trusted you enough to share how he felt about wanting to play. Any man in that situation with another attractive woman would probably feel the same. Many men would lie to you and say that they didn't want to play. He probably won't open up to you again, and this leads to distrust and paranoia.
You are not the one who should justly be hurt in this situation. He should be feeling hurt. Not only does he respect your wish that he should not play with females, but he was also being honest with you instead of lying about his attractions.
If you cannot handle him feeling attracted to another woman (which is only natural for any man, no matter what his wife looks like) then maybe you shouldn't continue to play in the lifestyle. After all, you're getting to play and have what you wish, while he has restrictions. He may have been in full agreement with these restrictions, but he probably did this for you- to make you happy. Now you're upset because he enjoyed what he say, but didn't even play with her- in respect for your agreement. You cannot simply have all that you want while expecting him not to feel attractions or want to play.
If the jealousy is causing strife in your personal relationship, especially over something like this, you should really reevaluate what you're getting out of this as opposed to him.
Your husband has good intentions for you, and many men wouldn't allow such a one-sided deal. Give him a break. He saw an attractive woman in a sexually charged atmosphere, reacted as any red-blooded would, AND was honest with you. You're a lucky woman.
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