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Question: How do I stress to him that I don't appreciate secret correspondence?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My SO is often on this (and many other) sites cruising profiles and making contacts with couples. I have an uneasy feeling about it but I'm not sure if I can put my finger on the real issue. I think it might be me?

First, let me say I enjoy our experiences so far in this new "lifestyle". I enjoy the company of the great people we have met and intend to continue this adventure.

My SO often wishlists and whitelists couples without my knowledge, most of which he knows I would not be interested in. His justification is that the men keep their faces hidden in whitelist and that we should whitelist first to see what they look like and that it is good to have "friends" everywhere. I have to concur that is a valid point, but it still bugs me.

He often chats and sends e-mails that are deleted, without my knowledge. I have found this out just by following something of a sent mail trail and by figuring it out from couples that respond back to "us". I feel really uncomfortable with him keeping this communication from me. When I confronted him about it, he said that I should trust him and that he trusts me and I can do whatever I want to and it wouldn't bother him. However, the few times I have taken the initiative and contacted people (single males and couples) he questions me on it. To me, swinging requires COMPLETE honesty and trust. His deleted messages etc. make me question him. I don't like that.

I have tried to get him to open up and share with me, saying this is a couples experience, but he sees it as his own business. I never hide anything from him, never delete messages without him having weeks to read them, never chat without his knowledge...and never,ever chat in a sexual manner. He refuses to share with me with whom or when he chats, again saying that he trusts me, I should trust him.

But here is how I feel...I'm the one with most of the naked pictures on our profile. I'm the one that wrote our profile, I feel prostituted and left out of the mix.

Am I out of line? Am I jealous and territorial? I got into this lifestyle because he enjoys it. Granted, I now enjoy what we have experienced too. He introduced me and was a part of it for years prior to meeting me. He says I need to figure out what I want. I've told him that I want a couples experience, to share everything about it, to become comfortable in a full swing and develop friendships that we both enjoy. Without that, I might as well be a single female, which I am sure is more popular than the single male status that he used to be! I'm not ready for the "hall pass" thing. I'm not comfortable yet! Nothing I do seems to move fast enough for him. We have only been in LL since May and took last summer off for personal adjustment reasons.

HELP...please...please...keep me anonymous.



Dear (Anonymous),

Lay it on the line for him now. You've tried voicing your feelings on this and your feelings in this situation are entirely warranted. Just becuase someone trusts you doesn't mean that you're obligated to automatically trust them, even if it is your SO. You've already proven that he's not to be trusted because he's hiding and deleting correspondence. Let him know that if he wants to continue acting as a single male, he can remove your photos from the profile, and then see how far he gets with his correspondence. A big reason he's able to chat with so many people is because you're a part of the profile. You can choose not to be if he keeps it up. So, let him know that he can either do this as a couple, or you can cut it off entirely. If my SO was doing that, I'd threaten to cut off more than just his contacts.
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