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Question: How do I explore the LS while keeping my jealousy in check?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My honey and I were watching some video cams together last night. Things were pretty hot until he clicked on one particular feed of a girl wearing a tank top. He had looked at this woman's profile and pics several times previously. He stopped playing with me and started in on himself, as though I wasn't even there.

Instead of feeling turned on, I felt a flash of hurt and jelousy. He asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom, and I said I was but he could stay and watch her cam. I left, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. He immediately came to find me and we talked a great deal about my feelings & whether the lifestyle would be good for me (I'm still vanilla though he is not). He's not convinced I can handle it and does not want to hurt our relationship.

I really am interested in going slow and trying some things; I've had some of these fantasies since childhood. But I'm also worried that I will become jealous. My ex-husband left me for a woman I knew and the thought of going through that again, especially with this man who I passionately adore, is very frightening for me.

How can I express my long-held desires while keeping my jealousy in check?

Thank you.



Dear (Anonymous),

This is something that you must continue to express with him frequently. I know how it feels to be insecure about fidelity and security in your new relationship after taking a heavy blow in your last.
You probably will become jealous, and continue having visits from the green monster as you venture into the lifestyle. Holding your jealousy in check will entail you telling him exactly how you feel, even if it seems petty or silly. You'll need reassurance from him regularly that he isn't going anywhere, but he cannot provide this reassurance if he doesn't know that you're insecure.
Stress to him, though, that you do wish to go veeeeeeeery sloooooow.
If you know that he's concerned about not wanting to hurt the relationship, that should be a huge green flag already. If he has these worries, then you should realize that he's concerned about you above all else. Tell him that you would like to set the pace of the explorations. This way, you can explore with your own self-imposed safety net with full confidence that things will not go further than makes you comfortable.
There really is no rush with this. Sometimes we need to stick our toes in the water a few times before hesitantly lowering ourselves in. And if you need to back up a little, then that's fine. It's all about experimentation. I'm not speaking of testing out the sexual realm (which is the obvious aspect), but rather that of your emotions and threshold for sharing your mate.
Do NOT bottle anything up during this process or you will implode and take him down with you. Be prudent with your communication and allow him to prove to you that he's not going anywhere.
I know that past hurts are impeding you right now, but don't let those impede your chance to branch out with this new amazing man you've found. Place some faith in him and in yourself and see where you can go. You might surprise yourself.
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