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Question: Was I wrong to stand my ground about condoms?

Dear Lounge Advice,

We have been involved in the lifestyle for a little over 2 years. I, the female half of the relationship is allergic to condoms and is messed up for days after using them.

We began to get into a threesome with a female vanilla friend whom we have hooked up with before. Everything was going just fine, no problems when the question came up of where are the condoms. We have always used condoms before, it has never been an issue just something that is an unwritten rule. He didn't want to wear one and that was a problem for me. A number of things could happen besides catching something, pregnancy etc. But she is on birthcontrol so that didn't seem to be an issue with him, and the issue of me being allergic came up.

He thinks that is everyone is "swapping fluids" at that point between going down on each other and it doesn't make a difference that you aren't going to catch anything that you wouldn't get from doing everything else and the fact that we have hooked up with her so many times makes it seem okay?....

Was I wrong to stand my ground? I do know she has had sex with other people recently and I don't know if she used protection with them, or not nor do I know those people she had sex with or the people they could have had sex with. As far as I am concerned I am the only one he should be having unprotected sex with. I think it was mistaken as acting wierd, messing up the moment etc. but I was just expressing my feelings at the time because I can still get other things that she may not even know she has right? i.e. hpv which causes cervical cancer...

Bottom line, we always said to say how you are feeling at the time so that later on or after the fact there are no built up emotions or issues, so I did that, but am fearing I was looked at like the bad guy.

I know guys watch porn where the guys are putting one in one hole and going right to the other girl and taking off a condom can interrupt that whole image and not be as attractive, but I still feel that I was right in requesting that he wear one I mean how awkward would it have been if she would have gotten pregnant or later on down the road for me to find out that she gave me hpv or something she may not even know she has and have to go through the surgical procedures and doctors visits because I tried to salvage a mood...I would have to go through the problems not him... or the risk of death from Cerv Cancer...which I know sounds extreme but it is true. Her being a good friend doesn't mean we know everything about her or the people she has been with...

What other things can you get from sex that you don't get from going down on someone? I think I am pretty understanding as it is and I enjoy the lifestyle with him, but he had a big problem and was unusually defiant about this situation...I want to know that I did the right thing by standing up for what I thought was a right decision at the time. She told me after the fact that it would have been extrememly uncomfortable for her if he would have tried not to wear one.

Please help with my question. Sorry it is so long.

Trying to stay clean and
keep it comfortable...
Anonymousville, AN



Dear (Anonymous),

You DID do the right thing! Standing your ground on your rules and beliefs is important not only in that kind of situation, but in anything life brings. For someone to try to persuade you to suspend your rules, well, that wasn't cool. If he respects you, he should not be trying to do this.
Everything you feel and said about this is correct. You have every right to have your wishes respected, even if it isn't everyone's cup of tea.
As for your question about the types of diseases one can transmit from sex that you can't get from going down....
As far as I'm aware, all STD's can be transmitted by either oral or penetration. The difference isn't what you can and cannot get from either method, but how easily it is caught. With oral sex, it's usually less likely to catch someone than from having sex. While the risk is still certainly present for oral, having unprotected sex presents a higher risk than having oral sex.
And, as you stated, pregnancy is a huge factor to consider.
I was stupid enough to forego a condom in a swinging situation once. I got pregnant.
Continue to stand your ground. It's the best thing you can do to protect yourself. At least you won't have to learn the hard way like I did ;)
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