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Question: How will swinging affect us?

Dear Lounge Advice,

I am new to this business and have not yet had an opportunity to try it. My boy-firend had been in the LF, on and off, and it seems to preocupy his mind most of the time so I decided to give it a try. We have not been lucky enough to find the right people to play with, time being an issue also. While I am not giving up on the idea generally, I came across an article that was discussing the risks associated with the life style. I am referring mostly to the emotional risks, aparently it happens that your partner may run across someone he or she enjoys much more that you, and your entire relationship may be at risk. I understand that my fear is generated primaraly with the lack of security in this relationship and maybe a certain lack of trust for my partner, and I also realize that I may be the cause of the problem more than anyone else- perhaps I am simply not ready for this at this point in time, however if other couples faced similar fears and situations I would love to hear what they have to say in this regard.

Regards,

O.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

If you're not ready, then don't do it. It's that simple.
I know my readers have seen this analogy used on many occassions, but I feel that it's appropriate for all newcomers seeking advice such as this:
Swinging in a relationship is like the wind to a fire. If the fire is strong, swinging will be the wind that breathes more life into your fire, making it burn brightly. If your fire is weak, that same wind will eventually extinguish the flames.
Again, with apologies to the readers who have already seen this excerpt in this past, here is advice that I have written to guide those in your situation:
This is the time to look inside the dynamics of your relationship with your mate and determine: Do we have the essential elements needed to make an open relationship viable? This is not a time to rationalize weaknesses by saying that they arenít important; that they will hold up to any challenges swinging will offer. This is a time to be brutally honest and determine, above all is, if your relationship will be sturdy enough to handle any encumbrance that is presented when you and your partner partake in sexual relations with others. You would be demeaning the value of your bond with your significant other if you were to venture into this lifestyle with the goal of sleeping with others above the fate of your relationship. If this is the case, you will quickly find that your misplaced priorities will eclipse the strength of your bond, therefore placing your entire foundation in peril. Place yourselves in certain situations and try to answer hypothetical questions. If you are the woman, how will you feel if your mate hits on another woman at a lifestyle event? If you are the man, how would you react if another man was getting friendly with your wife, with the intention of enjoying sexual relations? How do you think either one of you would respond if an extremely appealing individual invited one of you out alone without the otherís knowledge? Would temptation be too hard to handle, or would your significant other have the strength to say no and inform you of the occurrence? Would you be able to handle seeing your partner engage in mind-blowing sex with another? Or, are you only considering the lifestyle because you no longer feel an attraction to your partner, and are seeking a way to satiate your sexual needs since you are not achieving this at home? Are you doing this because your partner wants sex a lot more often than you, and this is your answer for allowing them to vent some of those sexual urges while you sleep with someone just so he or she can do so?

Work on your security and trust in the relationship first. There is no rush to do this. The most important thing is you and him. The rest will come in time once you've established the strong foundation that you can build upon.
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