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Question: My husband wants to please everyone at my expense.

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband and I have been on LL for two years. My husband was a soft swinger before (he admits only to watching) and I had bi-sexual experiences in college. I find hard to believe his lack of experience, because from the start I knew he wanted a full swap, and he was driving us in this direction.
While I love women, I do not find the full swap attractive, with one expection (he was an awesome lay). However, seems to me all my husband is concerned is pleasing people we met or plan to meet. He wrote an email to a couple we met to apologize we were not fast enough to rush to bedroom, so hopefully they did not find us strange. In mind mind, as long as they got what they wanted (full swap) there is no need to apologize for the delay- it builds up the tension.
According to my spouse, I cannot change my mind about going to LL paties in the last minute because these people we never met might feel rejected. So unless I am sick with fever or dying I have to go if not we have a weekend full of "serious" conversations, and my spouse's bad mood.
Every time we go to clubs, I have to hear afterwards how unpleasant I was, or end a conversation too abrupltly- and oh, what would those people we talked to for five minutes think about us? They surely will be traumatized for years to come. Why did I not kiss the girl's boobs - she looked like she wanted. She might think I am being rude. Why did I not talk to them more- even though I disliked the couple, they might know someone we like. And on and on it goes.
I am much younger than my spouse and I think it is safe to say that majority of the times we're had a swap is because of me. I have never seen yet a girl making an obvious hit on my spouse (who is good looking but not in his 30's anymore so for girls my age he might be off limit).I would love to see a girl asking my husband at LL parties to go upstairs and I would let him go even without me, as long as I do not have to POLITELY seduce her husband. I would be proud to see my spouse can still turn girls wild and I want him to have fun.
At the parties I feel like I am there to please the crowd, and me feelings are irrelevant to my spouse. The email he sent really set me off because there was nothing to apologize for- and if he felt it was he should have signed only his name. Tomorrow is another LL party I completely do not feel like going to, but I saw my spouse alreday emailed to some strangers, so of course, we don't want to disappoint them. Either this or bad mood for the whole weekend.
WHat I really would like to see is that on a night I know there is a huge LL event my husband does something else he knows I love such as taking me out of town for a weekend (we were talking about Sybaris, we could rent a hut in the nearby lakes), as if this party did not exist. Just to please me for a change, not all the people we barely know. I know it will never happen. But I would still like someone to help me understand why does he care so much about pleasing strangers, even if it requires me to act in an uncomforatble manner. I really cannot understand it and it has taken such a toll on me, I feel even less inclined to play with women or go to the clubs.

P.S> I am very outspoken, but not rude, and on the LL parties usually there are no controversial subjects that would prompt me to attack the opponent. We talk about sex.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

It sounds as if he's not so much in this for the sex aspect, although he certainly likes it. It sounds more like he wants to be in the lifestyle to be 'liked' and 'seen'. He's hypersensitive about appearances, which creates a bit of irony. Being as concerned as he is about this, he'll draw more negative attention- exactly what he's trying to avoid.
You're allowed to back out of events. You're allowed to have preferences and decline play. Even if you're interested in play, it doesn't need to be on the first date. Hell, I've known couple sometimes for a couple of years before we played. It's mostly understood in our lifestyle that everyone goes at their own pace, sets their own limits and respects others for the same. Most likely, the girl whose boob who kiss could have cared less. The couple that you didn't hook up with right away probably didn't mind. The parties you haven't attended, (and please don't take this personally) the attendees probably didn't notice much and had a fun-filled evening without you.
He's using you as a gateway to be seen and to be accepted in the lifestyle. You're not a conduit and you're not an accessory for him to garner attention. If he wants to be seen in a positive light, he needs to lighten up and go with the flow. If he does this, perhaps you would enjoy this more, hence achieving the effect he so deeply desires.
When it all boils down, he's creating drama. The one thing we all try to avoid is drama. Even if you both put on nice faces when you're at an event, try as you may, others will still feel a funny vibe from you. People are more perceptive than we sometimes give ourselves credit for. If others get that feeling that something isn't quite right with you two, they will inevitably shy away from you. If they feel you're trying too hard, that will drive them away as well. Trying too hard comes off as desperation, which is a huge turnoff for anyone.
He needs to stop being a drama queen. Here are the main reasons he needs to cut it out:
1) It's affecting your relationship. Your relationship is priority. Period. Not the lifestyle, not the 'friends' and not the thrills.
2)If he continues on this course, he WILL make a bad name not only for himself, but he will drag you down with him.
3) He will be absolutely counterproductive to his goals in the lifestyle. I don't agree with his reasons for doing all of this, but the fact remains that his actions aren't serving his cause.
4)We just don't need more drama in this lifestyle. It's a mood-killer.
If he was to read my response, he'd probably think that YOU are being the drama queen. Ain't so. You're just reacting to his immaturity and his need to be liked. If he was just a laid-back, cool, grown up man who respected your boundaries and feelings, you probably wouldn't be so uptight about all this.
You have every right to be PISSED OFF.
My husband happened to read this over my shoulder and here's what he had to say:
"She needs to put her foot down,and if he keeps acting this way, she needs to put her foot down on his, HARD and with stilleto heels."
I think you understand the analogy. And this was coming from a man who despises women who try to control a man. But in this situation, he needs a good proverbial slap in the face.
Chill out or get out.

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