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Question: How do I make her see that she is the only one, despite the LS?


First of all, thanks for making this great site available!

My wife and I are very happily married, and would both like to experience the lifestyle. We have a great relationship, and so far on our own, we have been able to resolve all of the issues or concerns that have come up, except one:

How do I continue to make my wife and everyone else see that she is by far the most special person in my life?

After reading about the problems other couples have had, she is unable to get past the anxiety that one of us could "connect" too deeply with another person and that it would threaten our relationship. For this reason, we have not yet pursued any invitations or new sexual experiences.

She says that the reason she fell in love with me in the first place is that I went out of my way to make sure she (and everyone else) knew that she was different and special.

She loves the fact that to this day, my entire personality and affect does a 180 turn when I interract with her. Whether we are out in public, or in a family setting, or in our bedroom, She points out that I am exceptionally considerate and loving, and I can't keep my eyes or hands off of her, and she's right.

With everyone else I encounter, I'm very guarded and more than a little gruff. People describe me as "East Coast." This is just how it's always been.

So... What specifically can I do to make sure she still feels like she's the only one, and more special to me than anyone else as we consider bringing other people into our sex-play adventure?

We've talked about "not kissing" anyone else, or "not looking into another partner's eyes" while having play-sex, but neither of these seems like it would really accomplish what we are trying to do. Plus, realistically we would be imposing our rules onto other potential partners. This is not what either of us want.

What have you or other people done to make sure that their life-partners feel special and secure, and their play-partners get that message loud and clear during sexual situations?



Dear (Anonymous),

Just continue to show her these things by word and action. Right now she is insecure and she needs an overdose of this kind of treatment from you to know that you're not going to let any of her fears come true. It may seem silly of her to be feeling this way, but some of us start out this way in the lifestyle before coming to realize that it's not going to interfere with our special bong.
I started out with many of the feelings that she is having. My partner made sure to continually reinforce his feelings and love for me by showing me that the lifestyle wouldn't make a scratch on our special bond. By doing this enough, I finally loosened up and got it through my head.
This will just take time and a lot of patience on your part. She needs your reassurance more than ever right now, so give it to her. If she is truly dedicated to making the lifestyle work in tandem with your wonderful relationship, she will come around and see that there is nothing to worry about. Just give her time.
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