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Question: I'm torn up about what happened with us

Dear Lounge Advice, this is by far the hardest thing I had to do in my life. Last night weíve been to our first party ever in the Lifestyle. We join the lifestyle because we are both attracted to women and we both thought that a threesome would be a wonderful thing for our marriage and sex life. That was our rule and with that in mind we joined the party. At some point in the night I went to get a glass of wine and I came back in one of the rooms and found my wife and this hot lady kissing in the bed. I was enjoying the view at first but than they went even forward and did not stop. She was really exited and she was enjoying every second of it. I was very exited as well but also panicked in the same time because I knew the lady she was with had the rule of not playing with men, so I knew I couldnít join them. The panic got worse and worse and I was going around the bed like a wild animal in a cage. I wanted her to stop but I did not want to intervene as more people were watching and I did not want to ruin the whole party and look like an asshole. After few minutes the one woman came to me and start licking my neck, touching my private parts and even blowing me. I didnít do anything to stop her even though I did not like her very much. I felt like I was going to explode. Finally I let myself carried into the mist of things and had sex with that women on the same bed and in the same time as my wife was playing with the other lady. After that we got dressed and left. All the way to home I was crying, I felt miserable. This was not what I was expected and I felt like my whole world just went to hell. I feel like the only thing we did was cheating on each other. I fell horrible, I feel like I lost that special thing we had together and nothing ever is going to be the same. I feel like I lost everything I stand for, I have no backbone anymore and I am no different than any horny animal that would fuck anything just to satisfy his carnal pleasure. This is by far the worst thing of my life. I donít know what to do anymore and I am afraid this could ruin our wonderful relationship. We were very happy with each other; everything was perfect in our life until now. I cant sleep, I cant get those images out of my head. It was the first time my wife was fucking and I was not involved. This was not what we talked about and I donít see a way out. The faithfulness went out the window; the special thing that kept me so close and in love with my wife is gone. Now she is not just mine anymore and my appreciation for our happiness and for what we had together vanished. I know that you are not a professional psychiatrist and maybe thatís what I need but how am I supposed to get pass this? Thank You.



Dear (Anonymous),

First of all, just because this happened doesn't mean that you have lost what you have that makes you two special. Sex doesn't define your relationship and the reason that you are with her. It WAS just sex. It had nothing to do with your love for each other. That should sitll be intact. Your special bond and the reason you are together should still be intact. You have lost nothing but your sense of sexurity.
Well, strangely enough, 'sexurity' was a typo, but as I went to correct it, I felt the need to leave it alone because it was the perfect Freudian slip. YOU have lost your 'sexurity', or your sexual security. You haven't lost anything else.
You were NOT unfaithful to each other because nobody deceived anyone behind each other's backs.
Your biggest problem here was a lack of communication. That's it. She still loves you, as you still love her.
IF you did indeed set boundaries together, there was either a misunderstanding or a miscommunication. It sounds like she got lost in the moment of her fantasy and it probably was not meant in any way to hurt you.
YOU didn't speak up. So what if you think people will think you're an asshole. What's important is your communication with your #1. You should have said something if it bothered you. If you chose to say nothing, then you should have genlty expressed your feelings.
You also chose not to speak up when someone was giving you oral and it wasn't really what you wanted. YOU had the choice to take it further by having intercourse. I can't delve inside your mind to dissect your thought processes, but that should not have gone that far if you didn't truly want it to do so.
You let the situation control you to excess. It's one thing to go with the flow when everything IS flowing. It's another thing to rub against the grain when your gut is screaming at you to stop.
You both need to have a serious talk and firmly lay down the boundaries and decide on a form of communication if something transpires that is awkward for either one of you. This can be as simple as a gentle caress on the ear to your partner when you're uncomfortable with the situation. Our personal 'not feeling it' or 'I'm not cool with this' sign is a squeeze on the hand of the other. That means STOP and address the situation. If it pisses off the other person in our company, that's too bad. THEY are not the primary concern. YOUR relationship is paramount.
Speak up! Don't just allow things to happen, and for god's sake, communicate and set/know each others' boundaries.

Otherwise, you can look forward to feeling like this every time you venture into this situation.

But please relax. Nothing in your relationship is diminished. It was merely a night of miscommunication. You aren't alone in this encounter. I see so many newbies experience this, think it's a huge setback in the relationship, and panic.
It's a part of growing pains in the lifestyle.
Just talk. Agree, compromise and stick to it. And please don't forget that sex is just sex. When you are with her, you get what nobody else will ever experience with her- making love. You two have the love. Nobody else can take that. Everything else is just sex. Once you can learn to separate the two, you can enjoy the wonderful things this lifestyle has to offer.

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