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Question: My husband told me to go alone to a swingers get togther. But now after the fact he is upset with me.

Dear Lounge Advice,

I recently went to a get together without the my husband. He was okay with it, before hand. We had talked and set up so boundries but felt fine that everything would be fine. But the next day when I told my husband about it, he got very upset. It seems that he was more bothered by me going to the party alone then he lead on. I met another couple and ended up spending the night over there, so I did not have to drive home.( I had been drinking and was not comfortable at the htought of driving home.) The wife of the couple and I did some kissing and a little bit of fooling around. I told my husband what all happened, but he seemed okay at the time about that too. Mad that I had gone against what we had set as boundries, but also that I had even gone. I know that part of the distrust is my fault but, he seems to be going over board. He's emailed them a couple of times wanting the details of what happened. Even though the couple has told me that what I tell my husband of details is up to me, but they don't feel it's there place to say. He keeps thinking about this night at the party over and over and will not let it go. Keeps saying that there must of been more to this then what I told him. But there wasn't. I was honest, even though I knew that he would be angry with me. I still told him the truth. How should I now handle this? We've talked about this and agreed that neither one of us goes alone to parties so taht we don't get way over our heads, but then the other person will know what's going on as well. But what do I do? How do I prevent the other couple getting alienated from all of this? Because in a sense my husband has put this couple in the middle of this and that's not where they should be. We've only been in the lifestyle since the beginning of the new year, and this is my second expereince, could a lot of this be from the fact that we are new to this and didn't discuss as much as we thought we did? I'm just not sure what to do.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

The lifestyle for us is something that we participate in as a couple, but we respect everyone’s choices in how they wish to participate.

It would seem that your husband was ok with you going alone ONLY with the understanding that the agreed upon boundaries would be respected. We would guess that the rules were that you would not participate without him in ANY activities. Who knows how he would have felt if you just came home.

Sometimes spouses say yes... but really mean no… and if that was truly the case... the end result was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Without making you feel any worse, you obviously made some bad choices. Blaming it on the alcohol doesn’t mitigate the disappointment he feels. They could have driven you home. No matter how many people tell him what happened, even if there was a videotape recording of the entire nights events, he would probably still be searching for something else.

Unfortunately the true poison to the lifestyle has been instilled in your relationship... and that poison is doubt. The foundation that holds us together is trust and honesty... and without that strong foundation you’re relationship is on very shaky ground.

What you guys need to do first of all is forget about this other couple. Who cares if they feel alienated? Your marriage is much more important. It would probably be best to cut off any communication with them at all. We are sure they already feel pretty weird about the situation... but you need to be concerned with your husband’s feelings now. Other couples come and go... the object is to stay with your husband forever.

We are sure that your husband will read this so to him we will say that if you truly wanted to deceive him... you could have come up with a much better story than you did. We are all human... and we all make mistakes. They are just things we learn from.

We can all play Monday morning quarterback and tell her what she should have done.. but there is little value to that. Given the opportunity to press the rewind button, we are sure she would have done things differently (and if given the same opportunity... you would have said “NO!”) But look at all the steps she has taken to show you that it was nothing more than poor judgment.

Newbies in the Lifestyle don’t have the exclusive on making poor choices... it happens to all of us. What many of the more experienced have learned is how to communicate more effectively and how to keep ourselves out of situations like the one you put yourselves into.... and lessen the likelihood of situations being misunderstood.

Before you even consider continuing in the Lifestyle you need to both agree to put this 100% behind you and write it off as bad choices... not ones made in clear conscious... and something in the past that is NOT brought up again.... ever. Until you are both ready to do that...DON’T think about any other lifestyle activities.

Heal your relationship first... rebuild any trust that was lost. And if you need help or don’t see that things are getting any better... then you should both consider seeking professional counseling help.
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