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Question: Going through growing pains

Dear Lounge Advice,
My wife and I have been going through a few growing pains since joining the lifestyle about a year ago.
We have been together for 15 years and have played for many of those with friends but that went away with the introduction of children for a bunch of years.
Now we have officially joined the community and my wife cannot get enough of it. She is always online and chatting with men all day long and can't wait to get to the weekend to meet and have hot sex with men or women. Mostly men.
We have had a lot of experiences with other couples and singles but usually it is her who gets off while I watch or just stand by because I am not aroused even with the little blue pill, which I read is pretty normal.
My problem is we got in a fight one night about the lifestyle and she told me that if we got out of the lifestyle she doesn't know what she would do and started crying. Basically she told me that she might or will cheat on me to fulfill her needs. That does not seem fair. We joined as a couple and agreed that we would play as a couple.
This statement was so disheartening to me. We talked about it and she keeps trying to make me love it as much as she does but I cannot seem to get as aroused with other women as much as I do with her no matter how beautiful. She tells me to stop thinking about it and just enjoy the experience. I have only enjoyed vey few while she has enjoyed herself every time.
I have done everything to make her happy in life and with the lifestyle. I have set up many single guy adventures and joined in so she can get off but it seems that it is never enough.
She is always online talking with guys and comes home to tell me how hot their wives are and how much fun I will have but I just don't get that excited.
She keeps asking me for a hall pass and why can't I just let her have her fun.
She always tells me how much she loves me and how much better our sex is now than ever but I feel like she is just doing this to keep me from telling her we are out. I just don't feel that she lusts for me as much as the lifestyle and I have told her that.
I love my wife more than anyting but feel like we have opened a window that I cannot close and fear that it may ultimately affect our marriage even though we talk openly about our feelings.
She usually gets mad at me and says I have to get over it and just enjoy myself. Easy for her to say.

Any advice you have will be appreciated.


Frustrated and Confused

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

You're right, you opened Pandora's Box and now you will have to deal with this in a very direct manner. Please don't take the previous sentence as a personal affront. I've seen this type of question come through here more often than I can count.

You need to try once more sitting down with her to have a very direct conversation to express your feelings about this. Her saying that she might cheat on you if she's not involved in the lifestyle is a dealbreaker. You both got into this as a couple and if she feels this way about not getting her lifestyle kicks, then you need to speak up. If she truly feels this way, then you need to express that this could ruin the marriage. It's simply not fair to you for her to put you in this siutation. She's damn lucky you're still allowing her to play after she said this. She's placing you between the proverbial rock and a hard place. She's basically saying that either she gets what she wants, or she may cheat to get it. Where do *you* win in this situation? Either way, you get the raw end of the deal.
Maybe you just need some time to get more acclimated to this and perhaps you'll develop more of a taste for other women. But, maybe not. If you both continue on this same path, additional time will make it harder and harder to break this pattern. This needs to be dealt with now. The lifestyle/marriage- everything in a couple's life is about compromise. It's not about 'I get what I want or I might do something hurtful to you'.
Put your foot down and make it known that this is a critical junture in the relationship. It has the potential to seriously damage what you both have together. And this won't just affect your relationship. Your child will be an unwitting victim in the ensuing mess. She needs a cold, hard reality check to truly understand what is at stake if she continues to disregard your feelings about this.
Unofortunately, you're going to have to be the 'bad guy' here and put it out on the line, even though it's her that is making this dificult. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Talk to her and try to open her eyes to the reality of the consequences looming. She needs a dose of reality, quickly.

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