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Question: Can we save our marriage after he has been cheating?

Dear Lounge Advice, Where do I start?
My husband and I have been in the lifestyle since before we married, We always had some trust issues since I met him when he was still living with his ex. We just fell into the LS it was just something to ad to our already great sexlife.
We havent really done much swapping but we enjoy going to parties and vacationing at takeovers.
This is my problem we always spoke that we would never cheat on each other since we have such a great open life and we can play when ever we were ready. Last year I found a email from a girl he met while he was away on business, I for the most part let it go, he said he just texted her and had a few phone calls with her, we moved accross the country last year started a new life new friends I think everything is wonderful, then one day I find a SD card and pop it in the computer, it was pictures of some girl I dont know naked & posing, and my husband having a full swing play time. I have been trying so hard to forgive forget and all that but I can't. He swears it wil never happen again hes sorry. He has all but ruined sex for me I never want to do anything in the LS. I need someone to kick me in the ass and wake me up. When I was younger I would have walked a long time ago no I'm hanging on hoping for a change...I guess my question is can we save this marriage should I even try?



Dear (Anonymous),

Recognize this saying?
We are in the lifestyle as a couple only and it's either the both of us or not at all.

Well said. I know it's meant in a different way, but I'm interpreting this line in context of your predicament.

Yes, I'd say the lifestyle is definitely out of the picture now. With such an open arrangement, cheating is even more of the ultimate sin in your marriage.
Ask yourself, CAN you trust him again? If it's not a resounding "Yes!" then for you, HE needs to take a long hard look at your marriage and see how HE can save the marriage. When you were younger, you would have been doing the smart thing by walking. Could you truly have been wiser as a younger person? It's supposed to be the other way around!
Now the only walking being done is all over you. It sounds like this probably wasn't the only time he has done this to you either. This is probably just the one you happened to find out about for sure with hard proof. Surely, he won't tell you about others, especially knowing he's in deep over this one.
You see, I had the same thing happen to me. Ex-hubby and I were very well known and very much into the lifestyle. There were signs early on that he was doing things behind my back, and it took seven years for me kick my own self in the ass when I found out that he was cheating on me.
I left. Only after I left did others come forward to admit to me that they had knowledge of things that were happening behind my back, including a friend of one of his 'side items'.
Now I'm happy. I'm no longer wondering, no longer doubting, no longer asking myself if I'm the only one. Now I have a REAL man in my life who will be devoted to me until the day we die.
Do you truly want to live the rest of your life with a man who has done this to you, wondering still if he will change his ways?
If you think you don't deserve a better life than this, then stay in the relationship and play his fool. He'll have gotten away with all of this and still not have learned his lesson completely. For all you know, the only lesson he has learned is to be stealthier so he doesn't get caught again, especially if you take the lifestyle away from the relationship.
For you (in my humble opinion), there is NO trying to save the marriage. You didn't make the mess and you shouldn't have to live with the consequences.
When I decided to leave, it was THE best thing I ever did for myself. I have regained my security, my dignity, my peace of mind, and most important.......my self-respect.
Only you can make this decision for yourself. I'd like to reach through my monitor and give you that swift kick in the ass you need (no offense), but hopefully you can do this for yourself ;)
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