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Question: I'm very uncomfortable with his pursuits of a coworker

Dear Lounge Advice,
My Husband and I have been in the LS for about 6 years. I've been through many ups and downs in the LS to a point where I feel very secured in our marriage. we both have felt that cheating would never be an issue. Our only rule when we play is that we never play separately. we have to be in the same room, that doesn't necessarily mean we both have to play at the same time, just that both of us are together to look out for each other and by just watching, it is always a turn on. My problem is that my Husband told me that he is wants to have sex with his "vanilla" co-worker. In fact, he honestly asked me if he could have sex with her without me. I was against it. she is not in the LS and does not understand it and feels uncomfortable. My husband is trying to set something up for all of us, but I feel that he not pursue her because she is not comfortable. why waste time and drama, right? I have a feeling that my Husband just wants her for himself without me, even though he says he wants her to be "our girlfriend". I feel that he crossed the line with telling her about our LS without acknowledging me first. it also makes me uncomfortable because they work together and they talk to each other everyday. Now I have turned from feeling secured in our marriage to now feeling insecure. it has come to a point that I feel the LS is not enough for him that he now has to go outside the LS to find new excitement. I am having trouble dealing with all of this. I feel this has changed everything about us. How do I fix it?



Dear (Anonymous),

It's not so much how you can fix it. Don't focus on fixing something when it's not necessarily broken.
Have you expressed any of this to him? If indeed you have a strong relationship, you should be able to talk to him about this without feeling that you're trespassing on his feelings. If you are feeling this way, you need to have a heart to heart. I give this advice a lot because it is not up to me to tell you how to fix a problem. What I can do is tell you that communication can help you both break some uncomfortable territory and understand each others' feelings.
Don't tiptoe around this subject. Sit him down and say what you mean and mean what you say. If you sugar-coat it or make light of it, you'll be doing yourself a disservice.
Remember, this lifestyle is about two people.
Are you listening?
Two people. Two equal parts. If you are feeling this insecure, things need to be equalized. It has not changed everything about you both, as you say. Your perceptions have changed, and perhaps his goals have changed. But those are two things that can be ironed out if you just talk rationally.
Communication is a powerful tool- use it.
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