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Question: Trust has been breached and she won't speak of the incident

Dear Lounge Advice,

My wife and I have been married 17 years. Recently we were with some friends having a fun weekend out together. The two ladies slipped off for a while and ended up with a large group of guys (vanilla setting). After an hr or so they returned. I instantly sensed something wrong. She insisted nothing happened after her friend commented they had flashed sum1. Later (2 weeks)after some fighting she finally confesses to kissing one of them but only after she realized the information got back to me. Further discussion i find her story contradictory and quite different from her friend as to who went were. She is insistent they did not go anywhere alone together. They supposedly walked off with 2 female friends + the guy she kissed as a group. However the two female friends confirm this was not true. My wife simply gets extremely hostile and says she refuses to discuss "details" and all that happened was a kiss. During the course of the fight she looms the threat of leaving. I feel I could possibly get past this is she would only tell me 100% what happened and why. I have always been open to her having a single male and we have done that "together". 99% chance I don't want this to be the end but I do know my feelings have changed and my mistrust meter is on overload. How do I get her to talk and how long do I wait? How do I convince her that I need this to get my feelings for her back in order and not concerned with catching her (I already know it was way out of line and well beyond a kiss). She won't even accept the fact that the kiss was 'a big deal". We have NEVER had a LS disagreement but she seems to be more interested in the vanilla single male side and seems to have a preference for that without me. I really want my feeling back. I don't look at her the same way and don't feel the same way. I am pretty sure she waould rather divorce then admit anything regardless of my amount of proof. How do I proceed when she refuses to discuss?



Dear (Anonymous),

You need to tell her that you do not trust her. This is going to be difficult for you both, but this was her doing and she needs to know how this affected you.
Seeing as the trust has been affected, I recommend keeping any LS activities at a dead stand still until the trust can be restored. I can't tell you the best way to go about getting her to talk. You know her best, but regardless of her personality, I'd suggest the "I forgive you no matter what, but I need you to be open with me so I can find that trust again". Don't be a doormat, but approach her with a kind, *firm*, yet forgiving attitude.
If you're magnanimous about this (you don't have to be, but this may work in your favor) then perhaps she'll be less likely to close down.
If she is keeping something from you, it's probably either because she is ashamed or afraid. Perhaps she just needs your reassurance that you won't hold this against her as long as it doesn't happen again. Perhaps she just needs to know that you understand that shit happened, but you can both get past it if she's honest and forthcoming.

This may be cliche, but it's apt for YOU if you choose to forgive this particular transgression:
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Keep this in mind and let her know that this will be your policy.

Until this gets worked out, she has no business doing anything lifestyle related. Afterall, you're giving each other full reign to play. There is absolutely NO reason for her to be deceitful if you are swingers.
Poor communication and lack of trust are THE two biggest factors to the downfall of a relationship. If you add swinging to the mix right now, things are bound to get worse. Regain the two aforementioned staples of your relationship and tell her that swinging is off-limits until then.
She can't just go off and do as she pleases. Either she wants to be married or be single. She can't expect to have the perks of both.

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