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Question: Is is easy for you to stand by your swinging rules in the heat of wild passion?
Dear Lounge Advice,
Do you set rules for the you as a couple and other couple/single person? Do you find it easy to stand by them in heat of wild passion?
Setting ground rules is the single most important prerequisite to longevity in the Lifestyle and it is really what allows us to do what we do. Setting your own ground rules serves many purposes:
1) It sets the framework for good communication between you and your spouse.
2) It allows each of you to voice your concerns and gives you a better understanding of each of your fears or hesitations.
3) Your ground rules define what your limitations are so that you can manage the expectations of other people you meet.
4) They keep you from being put on the spot and having to make important decisions “in the heat of the passion” or sometimes while you may be under the influence of alcohol, etc and not thinking clearly.
Rules are rules and trust us the only time that couples really run into problems is when they break the rules they have set for each other (read the past postings here if you want examples)
Of course as time goes on and you mature in the Lifestyle you have the opportunity to change your ground rules as long as both of you are in agreement. But if you want a sure fire way to cause both marital problems and betrayal of trust which is so necessary to survive in the Lifestyle... then make light of the rules and break them.
The other unique thing about your ground rules is that they are your own... we cannot tell you what yours should be... if you want an idea of what our rules are for each other that may cover some things you have not thought of... go to our regular informational website at www.zacnzoey.com where we have ours listed out and explained. But you have to make your own rules that work for you.
Another important point... if you see that your spouse is dancing on the line of breaking a rule you have set for yourselves... right then is the time and place to open up your mouth... don’t clam up... you will hate yourself afterwards.
The common mistake is to be so concerned about the other couple that you are afraid to verbalize your feelings. This may sound a little crude... but... the hell with anyone else... this is about the two of you... no one else matters at that point.
Couples come and go... the object here is to enjoy an activity together that supplements your marriage... not causes friction. If you see something and let it happen... you are as guilty as the other person.
One last point about other people in the Lifestyle... understand that we are all big boys and girls here... and you need to be upfront and honest with other couples as to what your ground rules are for each other. The first times you discuss this it’s a little awkward... but its necessary to do this upfront.
Usually one of the first questions we ask a couple we meet is, “What are your ground rules for each other.” This is out of respect for everyone involved. And if anyone every gives you any shit about your rules... RUN AWAY... they are only selfish and self-serving... no matter how hot they look or how you are getting along.
Do we sound a little passionate about ground rules? All we can say is that whole column is about trying to assure that you don’t make the same mistakes we have made in the past. We paid the price and if you don’t learn from the past... well you know the rest.
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