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Question: She knowingly betrayed me and my trust is now broken

Dear Lounge Advice,
My wife and I have been together for eight years and in the lifestyle for just over a year now. In that time we have had a good number of experiences all positive untill recently. We drove to meet two other cpls whom we have known for a while and have become good friends with. We all met at a local spot and had a really good time drinking, catching up ect.. We ended up staying till bar close and all of us were pretty messed up so everyone decided that we were going to call it a night. My wife and I left in good spirits preparing for the drive to our hotel talking about how fun the night was. When we got to the hotel we were checking in when the male half of one of the other cpls we met called. My wife took the call as I was busy checking in and after we got to the room told me he said his wife had fallen asleep as soon as they got home and he still wanted to do something. My wife asked if it was ok for him to drive to the hotel to hang out for a while. I told her I was really tired and reminded her of the many discussions we have had about not playing that way. We both firmly agreed that we only play with other cpls and no singles so that there is no jealusy. We both agreed and decided to head to bed. I fell asleep pretty quick and awoke with my wife trying to tell me he had shown up and was downstairs. She said she was going to go and tell him we were sleeping and we would see him later. I almost immediately fell back asleep and didn't wake till morning. On our ride home from the hotel I asked her how it went last night and she told me they sat in the car and talked for about 1/2 hr then he went home. I could tell she was hiding something and became curious as to what. The rest of the day I slowly got little details of what really happened. She told me they talked for a while then started kissing and playing orally in the car. She justified it by saying she was just being nice since he drove their just to see us. I feel betrayed by her cause she knew I was sleeping and did not approve but decided to do stuff anyways. I now feel very depressed and question our relationship something I never thought was possible. What can I do to get thru this rough time? I could never leave my wife but also cannot stand the feelings of cheating and betrayel which now over run my thoughts.




Dear (Anonymous),

Let her know that you appreciate her honesty and don't slam her too hard. If you treat this situation with too much anger or an extreme overflow of emotions, she may just think that if anything happens in the future, that she should keep it to herself instead of what she did this time. It did take guts for her to fess up, but she's still in the wrong here.
You should express to her that she lost your trust and it will take time to rebuild this.
Only you two can decide where to go from here, but you need to be forthright about your feelings and how it has affected you.
In this case, I'd suggest that you ask her what she thinks should be done from here. Leave this in her lap and don't let her volly the question right back on her. Essentially, you'll be asking her to decide on the consequences of her actions. A natural consequence for her will be the guit she's already suffering. Expressing how deeply hurt you are will add to the weight she's feeling. This is okay. She needs to feel this right now.
However, sit down, talk about the future of both your relationship and swinging and set an ultimatum. If this happens again, what do you think should happen? She should agree to this too so she's fully aware of what any further transgressions will cost.
If you both decide on a solution and come ot a point where you feel you can move on and perhaps take gradual steps back into trusting her, great.
If things get better over time, do NOT bring this incident up again unless she does something further that goes against your rules/boundaries.
Rubbing a past mistake in someone's face is an obvious path toward resentment.
Allow her to voice what she thinks the consequences should be and come to an agreement about how you'll move forward. As your trust returns, be sure to let her know. Having affirmation will reinforce how important this is for her and that she should always think twice before breaking this trust again- because it might be the last time. I'm sure she won't want to lose you over another lapse of thinking.

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