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Question: Wife sends conflicting signals about LS related activities

Dear Lounge Advice,

I have a question regarding my wife and boundaries in the Lifestyle. I have been in the Lifestyle for many years before I met my wife, so I'm very aware of a women's need for comfort, security and progressing at a rate that's right for her. When I first met my wife I eased her into it. Not an easy thing to do since the last person she seriously dated called her a whore after he asked her to share her fantasies with him and she made the mistake of telling him that she'd always wanted to have a threesome with two men.

When we first got into the Lifestyle together, my then girlfriend said that she was straight and only interested in doing full swap. The problem was, as you’ve heard countless times before, we couldn’t find a couple where there was four way chemistry. So our first few forays were with single men. Thankfully she enjoyed the experiences.

One time we received an invite to an exclusive party. It was a going to be a great looking group of sexy people and I was very excited. My wife moped the entire time she was getting ready and didn’t say a word to me on the drive over. I figured the night would be a bust!

Part of her reticence in going was that the last two parties we’d attended were low quality in terms of the people and the vibe. She assumed that this one was going to be the same and gave me the cold, silent treatment as a result. Thankfully once we arrived at the party she loosened up a bit and enjoyed some fun conversations with several couples. At one point late in the evening, a hot couple sat down next to us and made some aggressive sexual overtures. At first my wife was really put off, but the next thing I know, both the other woman and I my wife have their tops off and are making out! I just about fell over since my wife had NEVER expressed a desire to do ANYTHING with another woman! We ended up at the couple’s hotel room and would’ve full swapped but for some reason the other guy couldn’t get it up enough to perform. Needless to say it was a major buzz kill.

Fast forward to my wife and I in Vegas about 5 weeks later. We end up going to a strip club and lo and behold…the sexy brunette that I wanted a lap dance from was more into my wife than me. I was cool with that. Long story short, the brunette ended up in our hotel room the next night. What happened next BLEW my mind! While the two were playing, my wife went down on her! Keep in mind that my wife has told me over and over again that she thought the act of going down on another woman was gross and that’d she’d NEVER do it. Though she was fine with receiving.

After that night, our bedroom talk consisted a lot about her wanting to find a girlfriend for both of us to enjoy. Then I got her pregnant! It’s been 10 weeks since our beautiful baby has arrived and my wife is in full “Mommy Mode.” She’s not into have sexy anymore either, which I realized is partially due to her hormones readjusting and her being some what fatigued, though I help a lot with baby’s feedings, changing diapers etc, since I work from home. When we have played together, the normal bedroom talk that drove her wild now dries her up!

The point to this long winded question is how can I respect her boundaries when they’re constantly moving? And how long after having a baby does it take for a woman to want to get back into the Lifestyle?

I consider myself a good communicator, but my wife sends me such conflicting signals that I don't know which way is up with her.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful advice,



Dear (Anonymous),

Right now and for a while longer, she needs to be given the space to be in full mommy mode. You're right- the hormones are readjusting and she will let you know when she feels normal again. Do realize that this may not happened in a few weeks. This is the time for you to be very patient. Your baby is in the spotlight right now and should be. Being a brand new mommy can be a blow to the horniest of women.
When you see that she is normalizing, then you can both have the discussion about the lifestyle again. But first, make sure everything is back in sync in your own bedroom. Once your sex life is acceptable once more, you can both talk about what you want from swinging.
Since you state that she is a bit unpredictable when it comes to her boundaries, let her drive. You seem to be okay with most things, so let her experiment within her comfort level. Of course, if she pushes any limits that make you uncomfortable, speak up.
As long as you both keeping a running dialogue about this, things won't be such an enigma.
Also, let her know that you're not a mind reader. Sometimes women tend to think this of their partners, but you can't be expected to know what's on our mind at all times. She needs to do her part vocalize herself when something is bothering her. Otherwise, you cannot be held accountable for things that happen that she refuses to speak up about.
Just keep being the good communicator that you are and encourage her to do the same.
Women- Can't live with 'em, can't Fed-Ex them off to the Arctic. ;)
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