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Question: The best way for a single male to contact couples

Dear Lounge Advice,

As a singe male is it appropriate for me to initiate communication with couples that are interested in single males? If so, what is the best way to contact them? Thank you for time and consideration.

Best Regards,



Dear (Anonymous),

Contacting couple is absolutely fine. Here are some tips to help you out:

Before entailing the proper method of communication, let’s give a few examples of what many experienced couples have been barraged with. These examples are very close to some I myself have received over the years.

HI, I saw your profile and think you’re hot! Let’s get together sometime soon and I’ll show you my awesome oral skills.

Hi there. I have a huge cock that I’m sure you would enjoy very much. My oral skills are also the best! Hit me back and let’s see when we can make a date.

Your wife has great tits. I’d love to show her a great time. When can we get together and fuck?

Hey, I’m new in town. When can I have your wife break me in?

Again, it should be noted that the aforementioned examples are not fabrications. They are true to life examples of the crude behavior displayed by so many single men toward couples on swinger’s sites. The first two examples do not even acknowledge that he is even writing to a couple. It’s as if the male half of the couple doesn’t even exist to the single male author of the e-mail. Even though the latter examples do acknowledge the husband, they are no more refined than the former. Every example included here not only shows enormous disrespect to the man, but to the woman as well. The language is crass, the tone is crude and communicates to the receiver that the sender is no higher than a dog in heat, looking to mount the first thing he encounters. This type of unrefined male will go nowhere in the lifestyle and most likely wonder why all the couples he contacts either don’t respond, or turn him down with a flurry of curses. He will wonder, “What the hell is the problem with these people? They’re here for sex and when I offer it, they act like I’m a pervert!” Many a man has written asking for advice on why he is so ill-received when he offers couples the thing they so ‘desperately’ want.
More than likely, that same crude single male will not be likely to read the text in the profile. He goes straight to the pictures of the female and then pounces. Of the examples outlined above, chances are, at least three out of four of the profiles he contacted say NO SINGLE MALES prominently in the text.

Singles should remember that when dealing with a couple, that there are TWO people that comprise a couple. If you look like a Calvin Klein model, you will still get nowhere without the proper respect. In any circumstance, if you're dealing with a couple, the male half can simply ‘like’ a single girl in order to bring her into their bed, - he has to LOVE a single guy in order to invite him into bed with his wife.
When e-mailing couples, first do the courteous thing and check the text of their profile. If it state ‘no single males’, you are to not to contact them unless it is totally unrelated to lifestyle matters. Even if the first line in the profile text says that the couples is seeking single males, it is important not to stop there. What if you are an older white male and further down in the text, the couple outlines that they are seeking a well-hung young black stud? Well, if you end up e-mailing them, stating that you have read their profile and are interested in joining, you’ll only make yourself look like a fool. If you are going to devote yourself to becoming a prominent and desired single male, you must go the distance in order to impress your targets. The most respectful thing when contacting a couple is to approach the husband first and secure his blessings before going any further. This holds true for encountering couples at parties too. Men don’t have to look like models in order to break into the couples’ scene. The only ‘models’ that will truly get them far are model manners and etiquette.
The best way to proceed to is be honest, respectful and unassuming. If you get onto a site and expect nothing but threesomes every weekend, you’ll find yourself sorely disappointed. The same goes for attending functions. Your expectations can sometimes determine your actions. If your expectations are too unrealistic, your actions will sometimes betray your desires and manifest in an unsavory manner. Your actions can be the determining factor for your success. The best way to approach the lifestyle is by not expecting anything at all. The gentlemen who get onto a website or go to a function expecting only to have a good time and meet new friends will give off a more positive vibe. Some of the most popular men on swingers’ sites are merely there participating in the forums or chat, and don’t even contact anyone. Get involved in the chat room and the forums and remember to mind your manners. The more you advertise yourself, and show everyone that you're a gentleman, they more likely you are to get approached. Singles, and couple for that matter, allow themselves to be noticed via their personality, wit and no-pressure attitudes. It is usually these kinds of people that are kept ‘busy’ more than anyone else, because of their approach and general attitude. If you become popular, it won’t be necessary for you to contact couples. They will undoubtedly seek you out and contact you.
On a personal note, I met my significant other in this lifestyle when he was a single male, but I approached him first. He never made the first move when it came to couples, and always proved himself to be nothing but a respectful gentleman. The time and effort he put into his profile and his forum/chat participation quickly garnered him attention from couples. I was so impressed by his manners and how different he was from the typical male, that I wanted him around me as much as possible. He conducted himself in a gentlemanly manner, and made intelligent conversation with members. He didn't try to get in anyone's pants. He instead carried himself as the educated, eloquent and mannerly man that he was, and still is. He never made the first move, and was always modest. He participated in chat and forums without constantly hitting on women. The fact that he did this put the greatest point forth- that he was a respectful gentleman.
People saw that because he wasn't out to 'get laid', so that was the one thing that got him more offers than almost any other single males on the site, AND what attracted me to him.
Please prepare to be realistic. It is not a matter of a few days until you can achieve your goal. The key for everyone, including couples, is to have patience. For single males, earning the trust of other members in the lifestyle community can take months. If you are patient, this will pay off for you. It is well worth the wait. Just as word spreads quickly if you act like a pig, word will also spread like wildfire if you are the type of gentlemen couples seek. It all comes down to a matter of class versus crass. Our lifestyle is largely based on having friends with ‘benefits’. Be a friend, and the rest will come.

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