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Question: My wife lied and is now seeing a man often and our marriage is now suffering

Dear Lounge Advice,
I am somewhat what you would call a vanilla to the lifestyle, but I am courious about something, and I am looking for an answer. My wife and I have been to a couple of parties, but I think she was being descrete at the time. We always had a pact... if you want to be w/ someone, then let the other person know and ALWAYS use protection!!! Since then I have found out that she had been w/ someone after the fact, and did'nt use condoms. Our relationship has suffered since, because she wants to see him to just hang out or to have sex 4 to 5 days a week. I told her that she is getting attached, but she denies that, and gets angry when I want to spend time w/ her and cant go to her friends house. As I stated, I an new to the lifestyle, and am willing to learn, but I think this is going to far ( as in a relationship ) What do you think? Am I nuts or does this appear as I see it? Thanks, Anonymous



Dear (Anonymous),

Good grief. I am seeing too many situations just like this coming through here more and more these days.
I'm going to tell you what I've told the other men in this same type of case. Put your foot down and reign her in. She is completely taking advantage of this and with no regards to your feelings. You're not nuts. Your wife is walking all over you right now to meet selfish needs. She started this whole thing with lies, disrespect and intentional breaking of rules that you both set down.
If she is not attached already, or forming feelings, she will soon. This has got to stop, and now. It's time for you to step forward and tell her this. If it is hurting your marriage, it needs to be dealt with immediately.
Ask her if the marriage or this fling is more important? You need to assess where her priorities are. If they are not with the marriage, open her eyes to that. You both also need to find out where possible weak spots are in your marriage that could have lent to this.
She can continue down this path and ruin the rest of the relationship, or she can knock it off and help you salvage what has been damaged by her reckless behavior. This is not fair to you. You also need to be very introspective right now and see what things were not quite right in your marriage before this happened. I'm not blaming you, but you need to take a look at all possible explanations.
Yes, she will be pissed and say hurtful things when you attempt to pull her back in. Expect this.
This may be a crude analogy, but I feel that it's apt:
Have you ever seen a wild animal become docile after spending time in captivity? Have you ever seen that animal escape into the wild again and get recaptured? Sometimes it's a case of that wild animal feeling too trapped or controlled.
The taste of the wild returns and upon being brought back to captivity, that animal can be spitting mad and lash out until it readjusts.
Your wife has had a taste of a certain freedom that she took without your feelings in mind. She may not be doing this intentionally right now, but I don't think she is truly thinking rationally because she is in her own 'bubble' now and needs to step back to understand what you see.
When you reel her back in, she's going to mimic that animal I mentioned. I don't know all of the details to this, so this is really the best advice I can offer you with the little that I do know.

If this becomes worse and you would like to speak with a certified lifestyle friendly counselor to help your marriage, please look up the following LL profile:

I highly recommend him for your situation, if you both are truly willing to mend things.
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