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Question: I did not realize that the other man was being too aggressive to the point of hurting my wife physically.

Dear Lounge Advice,

We have been in this lifestyle for almost two years now and it has been most with us finding a female to join us for FMF. We enjoy this very much but as we all know the single bifem is not easy to find. We both did a lot of talking and sharing about possibly becoming a soft swap couple which would allow us the bifem experience as well as a new experience with the male part of the couple. It took my wife sometime to get used to the idea of being intimate with another man - we tried a single male two times and both times she really enjoyed herself. I enjoyed watching her be so pleased and turned on. We are approached by couples all of the time so we decided now was the right time to try the soft swap. Well it was a disaster!!!! The couple was very nice, we had drinks, dinner and an all around nice evening before going back to our place. The couple said they were a soft swap couple as well and that the female had been with another woman only once (my wife is bisexual). Everything started off well - the girls played only a little because her husband was right in there focusing on his wife - then when I focused on his wife he focused on my wife - I was so wrapped up in making sure that his wife was satisfied, that I did not realize that the other man was being too aggressive to the point of hurting my wife physically. She told me later that she felt that he was rough with her because he was in a hurry to get back to his own wife - I only knew something was wrong because I did not hear my wife - who is usually very vocal - enjoying herself. Needless to say - the other couple seemed to get what they wanted out of the encounter (which in hindsight seemed like they really only wanted another man). After they left we talked a lot about it as my wife was upset and physically hurt and I felt terrible that I did not realize what was happening - and we were not in a position that she could reach out and touch me to let me know he was hurting her.
So, here we are - my wife feels very uncertain about another encounter with a couple even though we both know this was not the "norm". How could we have handled this differently - did we miss something or should we have added something during our conversations with this couple? Thanks once again for all you help and advice.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

No kidding that is NOT the norm... but either way, we are sorry that your first experience was like that. If it makes you feel any better... our first experience with another couple was just as bad....

The woman had too much to drink and she got progessively worse when we were playing... needless to say we were able to see the situation for what it was and move on...

First of all, your wife has to realize that this is all about having fun and experiencing PLEASURE !!! If you are at all uncomfortable or in this case worse... in pain.... by all means just STOP !! If she is not comfortable with tapping the person on the shoulder and whispering...'That is kind of hurting me.." or something like that.. then just pull away and say something like, "Im sorry but I really feel like i want to be with my husband.."

No one will have a problem with you feeling like you want to be with your spouse... and if they do... forget them!

As far as what you can do differently in the future, that is a tough question to answer. Its easy to play Monday morning quarterback and say what you should and should not have done.... but... we also face similar situations where the woman claims to be bi... and really she is ok with it.. but not REALLY into it.

In our case Zoey is very into women and what we have found helpful is that she will begin to kiss or touch the woman before we go anywhere to really play... just to guage how into it the woman is... .if she is wishy-washy.. then it raises a red flag.

Lots of women claim to be bi-friendly or "bi with the right girl," or alittle bi (is that like alittle pregnant??..LOL) or even is not against participating but would rather be with the guys. You have to determine for yourselves what you guys are really looking for and make the judgement calls.

You are going to run into situations where others are not gonna do it for you... what you need to understand is that its fine for you guys to bail at any time... be concerned about yourselves... we say this over and over... couples come and go.. but the object is for you to be together forever... and if this is all about fun.. dont do anything that isnt fun !!!

After being in the lifestyle for a while we have come across many people who in our estimation are not really any good at their crafts... but that is just personal preferences... maybe that guy really gets his wife off by doing something that would be painful for others.... but one thing is for sure.. unless she says something to him.. he will never know.

If something ever doesnt feel good or doesnt feel right... STOP RIGHT THERE... anything less is silly.

The only other thing to be careful of is whether you wife was not comfortable in the whole situation with the other couple.. that could have exaserbated the hurt... when someone is bothered with watching something they are often not able to enjoy anything no matter how gentle or rough the touch.

A bad experience requires some extra time and attention before you move right back onto the playing field.
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