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Question: New to the LS and wondering how to start

Dear Lounge Advice,

My fiance and I are new to the site and looking to get into the lifestyle. We are a little apprehensive - as can be expected. What is your advice on getting started?















Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

I'll copy something here that I have written in the past for new couple entering in the lifestyle. It's some general advice that you can tailor to your own situation. If you need something more specific, come right back to me and ask away. Hope this help!

The lifestyle is no place for issues. The only type of issues allowed here are the Freudian types. Issues indicate a weak fire, and the aforementioned analogy alludes to the role of swinging to your relationship. The purpose of this lifestyle is to enhance an already fantastic bond. Naturally, there will always be a twinge of jealousy or insecurity. This comes with the territory of loving your mate, and is actually quite healthy. However, excessive jealousy or insecurity are best left outside of the swinging lifestyle. Yes, it takes a lot of trust, love, and acceptance to be involved in our lifestyle. That is why it is best to communicate with your partner thoroughly about your rules and comfort levels before you even entertain the possibility of swinging. If your wife is going to feel threatened by a woman she perceives as prettier than her, you have to work on making her feel secure before you swing. If your husband is going to get jealous if another man comes near you, this issue will make it near impossible to have a friendly swinging experience. Penis envy should be a nonentity in our lifestyle if youíre a couple swapping! If a couple senses that you have these kinds of issues, they will be much less inclined to play with you.
This is the time to look inside the dynamics of your relationship with your mate and determine: Do we have the essential elements needed to make an open relationship viable? This is not a time to rationalize weaknesses by saying that they arenít important; that they will hold up to any challenges swinging will offer. This is a time to be brutally honest and determine, above all is, if your relationship will be sturdy enough to handle any encumbrance that is presented when you and your partner partake in sexual relations with others. You would be demeaning the value of your bond with your significant other if you were to venture into this lifestyle with the goal of sleeping with others above the fate of your relationship. If this is the case, you will quickly find that your misplaced priorities will eclipse the strength of your bond, therefore placing your entire foundation in peril. Place yourselves in certain situations and try to answer hypothetical questions. If you are the woman, how will you feel if your mate hits on another woman at a lifestyle event? If you are the man, how would you react if another man was getting friendly with your wife, with the intention of enjoying sexual relations? How do you think either one of you would respond if an extremely appealing individual invited one of you out alone without the otherís knowledge? Would temptation be too hard to handle, or would your significant other have the strength to say no and inform you of the occurrence? Would you be able to handle seeing your partner engage in mind-blowing sex with another? Or, are you only considering the lifestyle because you no longer feel an attraction to your partner, and are seeking a way to satiate your sexual needs since you are not achieving this at home? Are you doing this because your partner wants sex a lot more often than you, and this is your answer for allowing them to vent some of those sexual urges while you sleep with someone just so he or she can do so?
As excited as you may be about swinging, it is best to step back and ascertain the best way for you both to enter the lifestyle comfortably. Your partner may require extensive time and exposure to feel at ease with this idea. Remember that many people hold misconceptions about the lifestyle and may need this time and experience to help clear up misunderstandings.
If you both do consider taking it further than online exploration, try attending a pressure-free event, such as a meet and greet, and make it clear that neither one of you is expected to do anything at all. This way, your experience will be much less intimidating and she will be more inclined to explore further.
If all goes well the first time them have her decide which event she might like to try the next time.

Your partner may warm up to the lifestyle a bit more if she enjoys the parties and the company and realizes that the stereotypes surrounding the lifestyle are often false and contrived. Attending lifestyle events serves many purposes for first-timers, or those who are otherwise timid of the initial experience. As a rule, she will be able to see firsthand the wonderful people that are involved in this, and understand that lifestylers are not depraved sexual predators, nor are they devoid of morals or couth. Morals are so subjective anyways, arenít they? In fact, anyone who attends a lifestyle event will see just how Ďnormalí many of these people are. Lifestylers are a microcosm of society, and come from all walks of life. They just happen to be a bit more open-minded in their sexual outlooks than most.
After you have determined that you have the proper foundation for entering into the lifestyle, you are ready to talk about myriad things.
Communication is key! If you are going to swing, this is THE most important factor to ensure success in your endeavors. Talk about everything, from possible situations, to feelings, to comfort levels. It is an awful feeling to get hurt when you see a partner do something that you just don't want to see while swinging. Discuss your boundaries up front. If someone gets hurt because you did not express your feelings, the fault lays on you for not expressing yourself. Remember, your mate is not a mind reader, so you must tell him or her what you want and do not want. If this is made known, and they still do it, THEN it is their fault. After every encounter, you will have to talk about it. Ask your partner, "Were you comfortable with what happened?" "Did anything bother you?" This will display your care for their feelings, and will make them more secure upon future rendezvous. Obviously, communication is a key factor in any relationship, but in the lifestyle, it can make or break you. Your sexuality is sacred, and you wouldnít share it with just anyone. After all, sexuality is one of the many important things to bonds you to your partner, so sharing it with others is no light matter.
If you do not feel that the communication in your relationship is up to par, please do not consider the lifestyle until it is. If you or your mate cannot adequately express yourself and your feelings, then you will experience overwhelming difficulties while attempting to swing.
Where to start

We've all been there! Yes, you'll be nervous. Yes, you'll be unsure of what to expect. Yes, you will have fears. It's normal. After you've talked and evaluated your reasons for wanting to swing, and you feel it is right for you, explore away! Meeting people online is a great way to begin your quest. Get to know different types of people and see who gives you the best 'vibe'. You have a choice between swinging with other newbies (new to swinging), or more experienced swingers. There are advantages to both. Swinging with newbies usually ensures that you have similar limits, and can share your thoughts about starting out. You can relate to each other. Swinging with more experienced swingers means that you can learn a lot from them. However, they may be into more than what you are looking for right now. If your momentary boundaries are girl-girl play, either newbies or experienced swingers can be great for this. Being experienced doesn't always mean that the couple expects full-blown sexual swapping. Some very experienced swingers have abstained from sexual swapping for years! Whoever they are, make it clear to them that you are new, and don't really know what to expect. If they are open to this, and willing accept it, go for it! If they try to talk you into doing more, be hesitant, because this can cause troubles for you. A very small minority of experienced swingers will try to prey on newbies, coercing them into something they don't want to do quite yet. Some swingers like the feeling of 'breaking in' new people to the lifestyle. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be what you are seeking. Some tend to like swingers that are new to swapping for the first time because they know that they haven't been around. Most certainly don't do it for bragging rights, but some do. You'll find, for the most part, though, people in the lifestyle are polite, and much more respectful. Just relax, know your limits, get a good feel for people, and proceed at your own pace! Don't ever feel pressured. Nobody can make you do anything that you aren't comfortable with. You set your own rules. Nobody can dictate what you should do for you.

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