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Question: Communication- Confused about a cloudy scenario

Dear Lounge Advice,
we are rather new with not much experience, but about three months ago my fiance and i had some fun at a party. we met with one couple had a blast, we were both really into it. after we kinda watched others fucking, got a blowjob from some woman giving them out which really turned my woman on watching. there was another couple there that my fiance and i were both into the woman but my fiance was not into the male at all. she told me i could fuck the girl but she didnt want to touch the guy, and made it clear. well it worked out my fiance and me were by the woman alone and we both had some forplay with her, the woman told me she wanted to fuck me and that was ok with my fiance. while i went into bathroom to get a condom, the woman told my fiance she had to atleast give her husband oral sex. i didnt hear this part. so i start with the woman, next thing i know my fiance is on her knees giving him a pornstyle blow job, i figured she just said fuck it and decided to do it. well they came into the room closer to us and my fiance pinched me, i knew she didnt want to touch him but it sure looked like she was giving him a quality blowjob. and once again she got down and started giving him head again and right when i cummed she got up, so in my half drunk horny state of mind i thought the pinch meant to hurry up and cum....of course i was wrong
we then got into a huge fight, she wanted to break up and felt i didnt respect her feelings, i told her i didnt hear them tell her she had to, and all i saw was her giving him a great blow job(he told her it was one of the best ones he had ever had) she told me she only did it cause she knew i really wanted to fuck the other girl, but was pissed that when she pinched me i continued. she felt like she was forced. well since then she is still bothered by it but doesnt make it an issue. i finally opened up to her and told her it bothers me on a daily basis, i have a hard time at night sleeping thinking about it. one of the biggest things is that it was unprotected oral and she said he had a ridiculous amount of precum and it was gross, i told her she should have just let him do anal with a condom if she was going to do anything(seems much less personal). im just bothered that i let it happen, that she feels forced and some guys precum went inside her. what can i do to get over these feelings? she said maybe making me do something i dont want to, like making me have sex with a guy or something, i told her whatever it takes for her to be able to say she is ok with what happened, so i can atleast sleep at night.
what are some possibale solutions? is what happened that big of a deal and just something we should learn from.
thanks for your advice



Dear (Anonymous),

She wasn't forced to do anything. Your fiance chose to give this man oral. The other woman didn't hold a gun to her head. She could have said no. But instead, she went ahead with it. She had no room to complain about this. You didn't ask her to do this either.
Did either of you discuss what a 'pinch' was supposed to signal before playing? I'm guessing that you didn't.
Couples should decide on some type of sign that indicates that one or the other is not into what's going on. Whether this is a hand squeeze, a certain look, or a pinch, it needs to be decided on.
I doubt you can read her mind. Perhaps the best thing she could have done was to whisper in your ear. Pinching you does nothing but confuse you.
If she was that uncomfortable with the situation, she should have been a bit more obvious. You didn't know what happened when you went to get the condom. She was in on all of the detials. If anyone was left high and dry, it was you. She has absolutely no right to be angry with you.

What you both need to do to resolve this is sit down and talk. Talk about different kinds of situations and how you will communicate either verbally or non-verbally. Decide on a sign that will send a clear-cut message to each other that something is not right.
You also need to discuss 'taking one for the team'. If she's not into doing anything with a man to whom she's not attracted, she needs to stick with that. If she chooses to break her own rule, she only has herself to blame. Nobody is forcing her to do anything.
She needs to understand this.
Communicate. Agree on boundaries, rules, signals and situational responses. Before something occurs. After something occurs, talk about it. And for goodness, sake- if something occuring in the moment isn't sitting right with either of you, stop.
Your communication isn't up to par yet, and it needs to be if you are to avoid some of these same pitfalls in the future.

So go talk.
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