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Question: Wife is upset about my communication with a dancer, but she approved

Dear Lounge Advice,

Recently my wife and I went to a strip club with her vanilla friend (not my idea). I met a hot dancer that gave me a few lap dances privately (with the wife's consent of course). Turns out this girl was bi had been eying us all night. I told her we were swingers and she wanted to go home with us. The problem was that we were there with my wife's friend so we couldn't do anything since we needed to give her a ride home. I also couldn't exchange numbers with this girl in front of her.

So afterwards, I asked my wife if she wanted to hook up with her some time and she said for sure. So I emailed the club with my contact info without telling my wife initially because I figured if she wanted us to hook up she was cool with it. How else would I set that up? After a couple weeks the girl sent me a text message and I immediately told me wife. At the time she was cool with it. So I told the dancer that we wanted to see her sometime and we set up a date. Then I sent her a text asking her if she was on facebook or myspace so we could exchange some pics.

Before she even had a chance to answer me, my wife sits me down and asks me if I am happy in our marriage and if I'm going through a mid life crisis. I said yes I've never been happier and no I'm not going through a crisis. I asked her what the problem is and she said she read my text message asking to see the girl's pics online. She was not comfortable with this. She also was upset that I contacted the club without telling her even though I told her immediately after the girl contacted me and told her exactly what was going on. I asked her what she is so worried about and she said that she's not comfortable with me texting or sharing pics with this girl since it could lead to something more like an affair.

I was like WTF? My response was that first of all why are you reading my text messages behind my back if you trust me especially when I told you what was going on, and you gave me your consent, and I have nothing to hide? Second, I wanted to see some pictures of this girl in daylight and while I was sober to confirm that she is as hot as I remember while buzzed. Third, if we want to have a 3some how else am I supposed to set this up? I don't have telepathic powers, and my wife never gets around to setting up anything so I have to be the planner. If we are swingers and we have fucked other people (including women) together with no previous issues, what the hell is she worried about? Granted we have only had a few experiences with couples and we have had only one 3some with a woman before which went incredibly well. No jealousy on her part before or after...

So I just don't get why she is suddenly not trusting me because I have NEVER cheated on her before or anyone in my life for that matter. I told her that this is an insecurity issue that she needs to work out. We had this problem at the beginning of our "vanilla" relationship and it disappeared after we married and had kids, but now it seems to be resurfacing. In the beginning I couldn't even look at another woman without her freaking out. So I am amazed at how far she has come... but also still concerned.

I told her that we can't swing anymore until this issue gets worked out because I certainly don't want it to ruin our relationship. Swinging is fun, but it isn't fulfilling or necessary for me to be happily married. She says she is not insecure and there is nothing to work out so we can continue with the lifestyle. But she still insists that it was me who was in the wrong and she has every right not to trust me even though I never did anything inappropriate or to break her trust.

What do you think?

Mr. Frustrated and Confused



Dear (Anonymous),

I think that you need to be telling her what you intend on doing before you do it. Yes, you stated your intention and she said that she wanted to hook up with this dancer. However, you should have let her know that you'd be texting her and asking for photos before you did that. If she finds out that you're doing this and has no idea you wanted to do this to contact her, it could easily be misconstrued, as you can see.
You should have told her how you intended to set this up. You may be wondering what the big deal was if you texted her before telling your wife, even if she said yes to hooking up.
Your wife may be wondering what the big deal was for you to let her in on this detail before doing it.
You're both seemingly misconstruing the others' intentions.
The best way to avoid this is to communicate the little details so nobody is left confused. Right now, you're both confused because the communication about the details of the hookup were a bit vague.
If it helps, have HER do the communicating with the girl. Next time, ask your wife to take charge of planning the hookup so she feels more secure about it and she doesn't feel that you are being duplicitous.
This will take some of the apprehension away from you both and keep the confusion to a minimum. Just make sure you talk :)
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