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Question: Insecurities and other issues getting in our way

Dear Lounge Advice,

We started swinging last year after a few years of curiosity and fantasizing. We didnít expect the first few experiences to be perfect, and frankly we expected there to be some nervousness, awkwardness and anxiety which there was. The first two experiences didnít go so well but the third one was pretty good. Let me explain in more detailÖ

Our first experience was soft swap. We expected to swap partners for oral after a little girl girl play, but they just seemed to want to focus on my wife. My wife is not full bi, just comfortable, so we moved the play along to boy girl. The problem was that the wife of the other couple kept wanting to jump in on the action with my wife, so I ended up feeling like the odd man out. I lost my mojo and mood. Then the other couple started having sex and we were like WTF? No attempt was made on their behalf to give us (especially me) pleasure so we politely excused ourselves from the hotel room to their shock and dismay.

The second experience ended up being full swap, at least for my wife. She is very picky when it comes to men, especially for full swap and she gave the male half a 9 out of 10 for looks and personality. To me the female half was about a 7, cute and a nice body, but just not really my type. She was really into me I just wasnít really feeling it. It also didnít help that she was drunk. After a night of drinks and dancing, my wife asked me if it was OK to invite them up to the room, and not wanting to be a party pooper I said OK. We all laid in the bed chatted for a bit, and then my wife made the first move and pounced on the guy. I was pretty shocked to say the least because Iíve never seen her like that or expected her to be so aggressive. They ripped each others clothes off and just went at it in some pretty passionate and heated sex for one hour! She made some moves and positions (not to mention sounds with him) Iíve never seen her do before! All the time Iím with his wife laying next to them and she is just laying there like a fish kissing me sloppily but doing nothing else. So I go down on her for a while and when it is apparent she isnít going to cum, I come up for air. She tells me to screw her but I donít have a hard on do to lack of stimulation and participation on her part. So awkwardly I had to ask her to give me a blow job and I was a little frustrated that I had to ask. She proceeded to give a half assed attempt, but being drunk it wasnít very good, and all the while I canít stop watching my wife in action so it is hard for me to concentrate. Thus, I was not able to get fully hard enough for sex. So I gave up and she pretty much passed out. I then had to watch my wife and this guy finish their business, which didnít seem like it was ever going to end. Neither of them were able to have an orgasm so my wife called it quits after the 60 minute mark. She later told me she couldnít have an orgasm because she couldnít relax or feel comfortable with a new partner and other people in the room, and he apparently was on a double dose of Viagra. I confessed to her that I had some anxiety and jealousy feelings watching her with another person for the first time, but I was also turned on by it, but not enough to have sex with his wifeÖ even after I had taken a ViagraÖ LOL! After they left, we had some of the best sex ever and we both had orgasms so it ended good. So this was both a good and bad experience.

Our third experience was with an older female (mid-forties) who was very attractive. Iíve always had a threesome fantasy to be with two women so I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was still kind of awkward but I was much more comfortable being the center of attention with my wife present and pleasing me along with another woman. I had no erection issues whatsoever. But this time I had a sensitivity problem because of all the stimulation two gorgeous women can provide and being it was my first time in the situation. I had to stop them a few times to keep from cumming during oral. Then we jumped to the sex and I was so excited I could only last 5 minutes even with a condom. With my wife I never have this problem and we donít wear condoms. I think the fact that this was the first woman other than my wife I had had sex with in 8 years had something to do with it. Even so I felt embarrassed and could tell the girl was disappointed by the look on her face. I tried giving her oral and she wasnít able to cum. So then she pulls out this frickin huge black dildo. It had to have been like 9 or 10 inches and thick. She asked my wife to use it on her while she used a vibrator on her clit. I couldnít believe she could take that thing, but she did, and she kept asking my wife to give it to her harder and harder until she came. Needless to say I walked away from that experience not only embarrassed about my performance, but also not sizing up to her obvious size preference. As she was leaving she said she wanted to see us again, but she never returned our calls, and I obviously walked away from it with the impression that she didnít like the sex with me.

So after those three experiences I am left with some new performance and anxiety issues that I have not felt since my single days. Iíll also be honest and say that the lifestyle so far didnít live up to the level of pleasure and satisfaction that I thought it would. I was disappointed more than anything, but mostly with myself. It has made me hesitant to want to swing again as much as I still want to. It doesnít help that my wife is not a good communicator. She has a hard time expressing her feelings and I am the opposite. When I talk to her about my issues she tends to dismiss them and tell me to get over it, but it isnít that easy. So we took a one year break from the lifestyle.

Then I sensed lately that my wife wants to start swinging again because she has been showing sexual interest in other menÖ staring, flirting, making comments, etc. I asked her to be honest with me and she said that yes she was very ready to swing again and had desires to be with other men. This shocked me because I was the one that pushed her into it and she was initially the hesitant one. I told her that Iím just not ready to be with another woman yet for a few reasons.

One, Iím out of shape and want to wait a few months to get a sexy body back and get my fitness and stamina level up which also helps with my confidence. Two, I worry about having the same performance issues as before. And Three, I have some anxiety about her being with other men especially if they are more endowed than me, because I worry that she will like the sex better.

I told her that couples are just out of the question for me right now because I canít possibly focus on the female half while she is having sex with someone else. It is just too much of a distraction to me. So I told her that it is better that I donít have to worry about pleasing another woman and that we just have a few MFM threesomes that focus on her so I can get used to the situation and get over my anxiety. Also, because that is one fantasy we have never tried. To my surprise she said she isnít ready for that because she doesnít want the pressure of having to please two men. So I said that she could just be with another guy and Iíd watch. She said no, that would make her feel uncomfortable. So I said, OK then Iíll leave the room. And she said no, she wouldnít feel safe. And then Iím like WTF?!?!

So then I told her fine, we can go with a couple but it can be a threesome situation where she is with them while I just watch and she said no, once again because she doesnít want to be watched by me or have the pressure of pleasing two people. Basically she said all she wants to do is swing with couples where Iím paired off with the other female in the same room which makes absolutely no sense to me. Why do I need to be having sex with another female in the same room, or at least be doing ďsomethingĒ with them, so she can feel comfortable enough to have sex with another man?

Iím not ready or willing to do that right now so we canít get on the same page. I really think she feels guilty and just doesnít want to have sex with someone else if Iím not, but she wonít admit it. Obviously I wasnít having sex when she was screwing the guy in the last full swap couple we were with, and it didnít stop her or slow her down for one hour, but she says she was too in the moment to notice what was going on with me.

At this point I just really want to be a voyeur or a participant in her experience with another guy, not only to explore that unfulfilled fantasy of hers, but to get over my anxiety so that when we do eventually play with couples again, seeing her with another guy wonít be so much of a shock that I canít focus on my new partner. I guess you can say I like to confront my fears head on, but she is putting up a roadblock to getting past this which is only depriving both of us of not only new pleasures, but from advancing further in the lifestyle.

When I try to discuss this with her to understand why she feels this way she just gets annoyed and upset so Iíve just dropped the subject altogether.

HELP!


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

You both have some accountability in what has happened thus far.
Obviously, she is going faster than what is making you comfortable, and without the proper communication. If she wanted to do something with the first man you mentioned, she needed to say that to you to make sure you were comfortable with the situation..
About the new moves and sounds- I can definitely understand why this would be alarming to you. But if I may, allow me to present a different perspective on this. Many couples that have been together for a while tend to get in a sexual rut. Sex becomes routine, unimaginative and predicatable. It's fairly normal for many couples to experience this because of familiarity and habit. We get used to our partners and often lose our imaginations. With every new relationship, that animalistic lust drives those amazing initial sexual encounters. After a while, it fades for many. Be honest with yourself- Is sex with your wife as passionate and wanting as it was when you first started sleeping together?
The initial attraction and lust can wear off and sex becomes different. This is NOT a bad thing. The animal lust turns into lovemaking and your sex with her now is lovemaking. This is something that no other man can rival because you are both in love.
It's very natural for a brand new attraction to bring back out that animalistic instinct to have raw, carnal sex. Not making love, sex.
You need to separate the two. Your wife isn't going anywhere and doesn't find another man more desirable overall. You have hold of the most important thing- her heart.
Yep, that sounds cheesy, but you may not realize how much power that gives you. Use your love for her to realize that she's experiencing something better. She's experiencing something different, and that's okay.
It also sounds like she is very aware that you are feeling these things. If she is, it's natural that she won't feel comfortable having you watch. She's going to be more worried about doing something that will upset you. This will not allow her to enjoy herself if she's worried about what you're thinking. Really, I don't blame her. I wouldn't be able to let loose either.
If you're worried about those new sounds and positions, ask her to try some of those positions with you because you find them to be sexy.
You two are going through something that many new lifestylers experience. It's called growing pains. It won't all be perfect right off the bat and your feelings are actually quite normal Your problems in bed aren't so much physical as as they are psychological. You're worried about your performance and your physical appearance. This would affect any person's performance, man or woman.
If your wife is being reticant about communicating, let her know that the lifestyle cannot continue until you both smooth out some of these issues. You don't have to make everything perfect before you jump back into this, but you do need to be honest with each other even if it means being vulnerable.
There IS a compromise with this, but you both need to open up and find it together. Without this communication, you will do more damage to each other than necessary. Hopefully, she will listen to you and respect what you have to say. Lead by example, though. Show her that you are willing to respect her wishes, but you are a couple and this entails give and take. If there is no reciprocity or compromise, this cannot work.


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