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Lifestyle Sexual Advice
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Lifestyle Etiquette
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Question: Mixed signals

Dear Lounge Advice,

First off a little background info. Im 27 and my wife is 28. We've been together for five years, and married for 2.5 years. We just had two beautiful twin girls in October. I love my wife very much and couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anybody else. I would say her best trait is loyalty. One of the main reason's that I fell in love with her and married her. She was very unexperienced when we first got together. She didn't have her first oral orgasm until me. All her past b/f's just got in and got out. You know, wam bam thank you mam. Over the past 2 years I've kinda let my sexual craving out of it's shell and starting sharing some more risque fantasies with her. I've been opening her mind slowly as we belong to an amateur site and post photo's. At first she was a little taken back but it has grown on her. I've been expressing to her for a little while now that it turns me on to think about her with other people, whether it be men or women. I have straight out said that I want to share her. Now most recently we have talked about the lifestyle. For instance, we were at a get together with some friend's and the couple we are friend's with that are in the lifestyle were there. Basically on the ride home that night, I should point out she had a few drinks in her but not wasted, we were talking and she pretty much said it will happen. We've already discussed that our first time if it happen's is going to be the couple previously mentioned, who recommended this site. She has never had a girl girl experience and said she wants it to be with our friend mentioned above as she feels comfortable with her. In playful conversation the other day she asked am I ok with my balls and my friends balls touching each other. As I understood she was implying that we're both gonna be in her at once. So just recently we signed up to this site and we're looking at our friends pics, in which I think they freaked her out. She said she felt all nervous after looking at the pics. Then yesterday she made a comment where she said you can go and have fun and I'll stay home. "I'm giving you permission" is what she said. Now I dont want that. I want to share this experience with her as my big thing is I want to see her with other's, not so much I want to get with other's. I guess my question is what should I make of these mixed signal's? Is she holding back or just not into it? I also should point out that she is very shy when it comes to sex related topic's. I try and get her to tell me her fantasies and usually dont get much info as she get's nervous about it. I dont pressure her about the topic as I am trying to open her up slowly. The last thing I wanna do is hurt her or our relationship cause she means everything to me. Im willing to wait forever to do this with her. But am I wasting my time with her on this topic? Is there something wrong with me?

p.s. Sorry it's so long, I'm just really confused



Dear (Anonymous),

Don't push this too much further with her.
I know exactly what she is doing, because I've done it too in the past.
When she tells you that it's okay to do this without her, she's doing one of two things
1) She wants you to have this because she loves you. She can't handle it yet, but she doesn't want to hold you back.
2) She's testing you. She is 'giving' you what she thinks you want. She wants to know if you will take her up on this offer. If she is indeed testing you and you do it, she will feel that you have failed the test. If you tell her that you won't do it without her, you pass.

Does this make sense? It's a general probe that women like to implement to see what their man chooses.
Just be aware of this, because the decision you make can make a huge impact on her viewpoints about your priorities.
Women are touchy creatures sometimes, so handle with care. If you continue to bring this up, she will question your intentions and may feel that she's not enough for you.
If she expresses that she is just not interested, leave it at that. Tell her that is she would like to entertain the possibility, then she can bring it up when she's ready. Do not push! It will only make her feel insecure and make her wonder why you want to do this so badly.
The best way to make her feel secure in entering the lifestyle is to reassure her that you love her, that she's beautiful, and that you are doing this not to find something better than her, but to enhance your relationship. If she doesn't hear this reassurance regularly, she will most likely assume that she just isn't enough for you, and that is why you feel the desire to swing.
Just be patient with her. Mention it again if you want, but let her decide. She may just need a little more time to wrap her mind around it.
She may just need extensive time and exposure to feel at ease with this idea. Remember that many people hold misconceptions about the lifestyle and may need this time and experience to help clear up misunderstandings or personal hangups.
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