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Question: Jealousy- How do I deal with it?

Dear Lounge Advice,
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and are one of those totally in love with each other couples. We've been in the lifestyle for over a year now and have tried all different aspects to see what fits for us. I am writing to you because I am confused as to what I want in the lifestyle and am having major jealousy issues right now that I can't get rid of. Ideally, I think I would want to play with girls and other guys and have my husband play with others as well. I don't have the fantasy of watching my husband with another woman, but I feel it is only fair for him to do something while I am as well. My problem is when he does do something with another woman, I get severe jealousy that I mull over afterwards and can't stop. I dream jealousy dreams and think about it all the time. Logically, I know he loves me and finds me sexy, and that the variety is good for our sex life. But the emotions still pop up. Is this something that I just need to deal with and over time it will get easier and easier? How do I know when to "push through" it to see if it gets better or just to avoid it altogether? If I don't let him play with another girl, what would he do? It would seem awkward for him to just sit there and watch, and again, unfair. He said for him it just got better and now doesn't have jealousy, just excitement to see me in pleasure. Is it different for the woman? Please help me sort thru these emotions!



Dear (Anonymous),

This is a hard situation to overcome with simple logic.
When you're paired up with someone, as in marriage, you 'belong' to each other. Now you're sharing your most sacred 'belonging'- your mate and the one you love. This has less to do with logic and more to do with emotion and instinct. It's no surprise that most of us feel jealousy when first sharing our mates.
I did. But here's how I got over it:
First, I talked to him about my feelings. I apologized and said that it's completely irrational, but I was still feelings pangs of jealousy seeing him do anything with another woman. Part of that was my own insecurity, and part of that was the hurt I felt sharing the person I loved most with another female.
Jealousy can alsos stem from other underlying weaknesses in a relationship. If you do not feel that you're receiving the same level of intensity at home that his other swing partners are getting from him, that can be a catalyst for jealousy.
If your sex life is less than stellar, then seeing your partner have dynamic sex with someone else can do this as well.
Make sure you keep your communication healthy. You probably need continual reassurance from him to calm these feelings. I know I need this, and it's perfectly okay expect this from your partner.
Usually, after some time and more experience, the jealousy will subside. It take time to wrap your mind around something like this. It takes time to realize that it's just sex. No emotional ties- that it reserved for you and your husband.
If you both want to keep something special between you when it comes to sex, do so. For example, some couples reserve kissing for each other. Or, perhaps he can only cum with you. Or, he can come with another woman, but looking deep into one another's eyes while cumming is only for you two.
Think of an extremely intimate act that you two share. Then make that yours, and yours alone.
The purpose of this lifestyle is to enhance an already fantastic bond. Naturally, there may always be a twinge of jealousy. This comes with the territory of loving your mate, and is actually quite healthy. However, excessive jealousy or insecurity are best left outside of the swinging lifestyle.
If time, communication and reassurance do not alleviate your jeaousy, then you both need to reassess your activities in the lifestyle.

But I do truly believe that if your relationship is strong and you continue to communicate, it will get easier for you :)
It did for me.
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