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Question: My mom is starting to make comments about how against the lifestyle.

Dear Lounge Advice,

My wife and I had our first threesome experience with a male friend of mine a little over a year ago, and since then we have cultivated two other lifestyle relationships with couples, and have a few other irons in the fire as well. We've had several experiences throughout the course of the last year and they have mostly been very fun and fulfilling.

Here's the problem at hand. My mom is starting to make comments about how against the lifestyle she is, how she feels the behavior is deviant and wrong, and how she would have to distance herself from anyone she knew was involved in such behavior. Her very strong belief is that sex is not to be shared beyond a marriage (this has always been her view, and it is the one I was raised with too) and she finds the idea of swinging very distasteful and very very wrong.

Much of the recent discussion I had with her stems from a conversation we had regarding the Danielle Van Dam murder case in California - she felt initially that the Van Dam's swing lifestyle contributed to the girl's murder. When I actively disagreed with her, and told her I felt that the lifestyle had nothing to do with it, she actually asked me point blank if my wife and I were swinging with our friends.

Apart from being scared by the question, I chose not to tell my mom the truth. I wish I could be completely honest with her...up until now I have been completely open with her on every subject in my life. But now, I feel that her question is invasive, and my wife does too...I'm in a bit of a dilemma. We have had them look after our children quite often, and sometimes it's when we've planned a playdate, but if they knew we practiced this lifestyle I fear we would fundamentally alter our relationship with my parents forever.

What I'm asking is if you have had any experience with this problem in your own lives, and what you'd do if you were in our situation. Telling my parents straight out that we do this is not an option - but we are seriously considering making arrangements to have a babysitter or other responsible person take over the babysitting duties when we play so that we never have to ask our parents to watch our kids when we plan playdates. Also we are angry that my mom felt it necessary to ask me about it in the first place...I guess she has her suspicions, and that is fine, but we've never asked her whether she practiced an alternative lifestyle, or asked any specific questions about her sexuality, so my wife especially is very put off by it. It's frustrating to be so convinced that we've made the right choice for ourselves, but have parents that would practically disown us if they knew for sure what we were doing.

Any insight or help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. We look forward to hearing what you have to say on this topic. :-)



Dear (Anonymous),

It is horrible to be walking on eggshells like this.. and we can certainly relate to the concern... not the same situation at all... but the question of friend and family finding out and suspecting has plagued us for years.

A while back we confided in a friend who told a friend... who told a friend...yada yada yada.... and the circle grew very close to our immediate family. Most people can get away with it... most people dont have websites to help other couples !!!

You experienced things we have never had to though... we are rarely asked directly.. probably our family was too embarrassed to ask.. your mom has balls !!!

Anyhow... we dont discuss what we do in our bedroom behind closed doors with anyone.... and that is the answer we give...

If someone pushes the issue usually we just try to make light of it... we would say... yes we are going to be on the cover of "Popular Swingers" next month.. make sure to get a subscription to the magazine.. and sorry we have to go cause we are having sex with 12 people and maybe the mailman this weekend and Zoey has to rest her vagina. Since you are so interested... the two of us may have sex with each other tonite.. Do you want to come and watch and take notes?

We can go on with the other questions we would ask to shut them up... like how often they have anal sex...etc... but thats a tough one to ask your mom.... LOLOLOLOLOL

Your problem was that you probably gave a reaction to her question.... and not a straight answer.... We dont know your mother and dont know your relationship.... although we are not advocating lying to anyone... here is the truth we have come to learn:

You cannot expect for anyone outside the lifestyle to understand what its about at all... dont try to tell anyone... dont try to convince anyone. Most people's notions are so out of wack that its not worth the effort.

So since there is very little chance that they will even begin to understand... these are one of the times its best to use the little white lie that will not be hurting them at all...

Just say... NO !

Since many of the lifestyle activities mean a very late night.. it might be a good idea to find other babysitters... we recall visiting our family and going out in NY City and coming home when our father was making breakfast for everyone else... NOT a good scene !!!

If you want a way out of the situation with your mom...take her aside and tell her your wife is VERY against speaking about sex in front of her and she was very uncomfortable... then tell her that you agree with her about the swinging but that your wifes friend does swing and it makes her really uncomfortable even talking about the subject... that should close the coffin on that discussion.
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