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Question: Damaged relationship

Dear Lounge Advice,

The answer to this may seem obvious, but I've been through so many roller coaster rides I'm not sure what is normal and what isn't.
When I first got together with my boyfriend, I told him I wanted to dabble in the lifestyle, but had only a couple of brief experiences. He told me he was interested too. He has played as a single with couples frequently before me, so he had more experience then me. So we started as a casual relationship, but eventually we fell in love with each other.

Cue to now. We have been together 2 years. In that time, we have maybe gone to look for others online together 3-4 times, but he talks to me about it all the time. He goes online all the time in this 2 years on his own. Recently I found his accounts because he is getting distant from me. On LL he has a couples profile for us, but when he sends pictures to people, he doesn't ask me if I'm interested and half the time I'm not and would feel better with my pics not being out there. Most of the pictures are of me and hardly anything of him shows. Which makes me feel like bait because he has a thing for 2 women. So even when he does show me a profile, the guy is gross and the girl is beautiful. I can deal with that if I know he's playing fair. Consequently, we've never played with others yet which is a massive disappointment for me.

On top of this, I just found a single profile he has on another swing site. A young couple (he is older) recently emailed him asking if he was interested in being with them and he sent back that he was and sent along his personal info. We have an agreement we would stay as a couple to play as far as I knew. In that account, I also found emails all the way back to when I met him. Some were fine and normal, just chatting, showing pics. But others were outright invitations that he made to people when I wasn't around.

I left the information on the computer screen and showed him what I found! He told me he would go to counseling and its just some stupid "thing" he does, a bad habit. I told him it's not and that he wants to be there. He just got quiet and then blurted out the crap about counseling. The thing is, he could have had whatever he wanted all along as I am very open-minded!!! I've been asking him this whole time when he rampantly goes online if that's what he needs, what are his fantasies, what does he want? Tell me, so I can work with you kind of thing. No he tells me, he just wants me but gets turned on by the online thing but keeps it to himself when he does it. He tells me he wants to be with only me but then lies and hides that he is hunting on his own!! He hasn't been with anyone physically that I know of and I do believe that actually, but emotionally he is somewhere else a lot of the time and when I offer to leave he has a problem too and will then become very sweet professing how much he loves me.

It's not the lifestyle, it's his actions of hiding things when I ask him to tell me. I want to share in this wildness with him, he doesn't seem to want to, but will still use my pictures, etc. I do believe he loves me, but I have never had this happen and as I am new to the lifestyle and people in it, is this normal? Can men like this ever get over their need to hide things or do they always have the need to have something taboo going on? And why, if I've been asking him this whole time will he not tell me what he wants when I'm just going to find out anyway?? I'm not a doormat and I've always given him a hard time back about things that have hurt me, but most of the time I'm cool about everything else. At this point we live together and I know I need to move out for awhile, but am not sure if I can save the relationship or not. I appreciate any advice you have...




Dear (Anonymous),

I want you to contact the following profile here on LL:

This problem goes beyond the need of simple advice. I don't feel that I can adequately assist you with this.

This is a serious issue and I believe that a professionally licensed person is your best source.

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