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Question: He doesn't desire me anymore but wants to keep swinging

Dear Lounge Advice,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. I would say that the first year and half was great. We had some of the best sex together and with other couples too. Then things went down hill in his life for about 8 motnhs or so. Well now things between us have turned 100% for the worse. Now we are lucky if we have sex together once a month. When it does happen it is like he just wants to get it over, there really is not foreplay to speak of anymore. Which before there was so much and the sex was great. Now if we get together with another couple, he is already to be with her. That is all he talks about is how he can't wait to have wild sex with her. I have asked him, how can you be with another woman, but with me you are so cold and are like you are not even there at all. Did I do some wrong? His comment is, well I am with you everyday and you know what is going on, so harder for me to have those feelings with you. The other woman doesn't know everything so makes it easier to get wild and have great time. Which I understood when all this first started, but it has been 8 months now. So to say the least when we are together with another couple I see what I want so bad again with him. That it hurts me so deep that I just start to get so sick and wonder why me. All I think about is that I just want to get out of the room so I don't have to hear or see it. When we are with another couple I pull myself mentally out of the whole thing, which is not fare to the other couple or me. This is to be fun not HELL! I have even made things up so we don't play so I don't get hurt and have to see it. I am so afraid if I don't pull myself out of mentally that I will a break down in front of the couple and make them feel bad and question our relationship.

Well, my biggest fear happened with that. We were with a couple recently and I just lost it. I was very lucky that the woman and my other half were in a different room then me and her husband. He was very nice about it and held me well I cried and listened to me. He wanted to know what was going on that was hurting me so bad. He felt so bad that he wished he would have known about this before because they would have never let it go this fare. But like I told him I usually cover it all up and don't let anyone see my hurt. But something that night just let it all out, I could not control it at all. Found out after it that they both felt so bad that someone who says they love you would keep on putting me through this. That we really need to work on us before we play with other couples again. I have to agree with them, but to him that is not an option at all. I have to deal with it or he will just go and play himself. He has wants and needs and nothing is going to stop him from those.

I am so lost I just don't know what to do? I love this man with all my heart, but I only can take so much. I am a person with feelings.

What do you think? Is this normal for a person to have had hard times with things the last 8 months and not want to be with other half, but can be with another woman?

How can I keep my emotions in check with wanting what he is giving the other woman so bad?





Dear (Anonymous),

This is NOT normal. What that other husband said to you was good advice. You both need to step out of the lifestyle and get things right between you again. If not, this will end your relationship. It sounds like your relationship is right on the brink already.
If your boyfriend says that it's not an option, then he has voiced his priority already. He is choosing play with others over your relationship.
Do you really want to be with someone who has made you the second priority?

Even if you have love for him, sometimes that just isn't enough. You shouldn't have to torture yourself over someone who has so obviously forsaken your feelings.

I want you to do something for yourself. Contact the profile COUNSELING here on LL. He is certified and can help you through this. Do not wait, do this now Isabel, please.

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