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Question: Texting between my partner and another woman has become excessive

Dear Lounge Advice,

I am new to the lifestyle (< 1 yr) with an experienced partner, and wanted your advice about what is "appropriate" in contact prior to play. After several less than stellar encounters following more closely to your one time rule, my partner and I decided that we needed to invest more time in getting to know our potential playmates, rather than playing straight off. My experiences, especially, weren't what I hoped.

In one recent exploration, we had a great early encounter, with the 'girls' talking on the phone and a little texting, prior to our first meeting, which was dinner and drinks. All of us were having lots of fun. That night, the female and my partner exchanged phone numbers, and incessant texting started to ensue.

Within two weeks, there were 1000+ texts, and he would take her texts when we were in bed. After other issues regarding boundaries coming out and rescheduled meetings, we decided to not pursue them. But my question is what is an appropriate amount of texting between two would be playmates? Especially when the other two were not having the same experience. I never had contact with the male, and my partner felt I was jealous.

In our recap, I explained that him taking her texts in our bed and interrupting our time did make me 'jealous' as I was losing his attention. Was I jealous of him possibly having sex with her? No. Was I jealous of him letting someone distract us from each other? Yes.

Help - are my feelings normal and what is a reasonable amount of texting? I don't text anyone that much! Please advise.



Dear (Anonymous),

Your feelings are appropriate given the situation.
It's not the sheer amount of texts that should be the issue, unless these exchanges are becoming more than just sexual in nature.
You are justified to feel upset that it's interrupting your time together with him. If he's prioritizing her texts above your intimate time, then you need to hold your stance on this issue.
Does that woman's partner have knowledge of this extensive exchange? If not, then that's trouble waiting to happen.
Regardless of that, you and your partner need to set some boundaries about this issue. Texting is a form of flirting, but if the flirting is eclipsing the quality of your time together, stricter boundaries need to be set.
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