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Question: So unhappy

Dear Lounge Advice,

I don't know what to do about my husband. We got started in the Lifestyle about 15 years ago. We started slow (soft swingers) because of my comfort level. After about three years, we "went all the way" and were very active for a couple of years. We would go out every weekend to clubs or private parties. We had fun but I really enjoyed the social aspect more than the fucking.

When we moved across the country about six years ago we stopped going out so much because there was not a lot going on where we live. It became more private "hardcore" fuck parties only. No more dressing in theme or going to clubs, just show up eat a little, chat a little and when 9pm came around it's time to go fuck. I quickly lost interest in this type of play style.

I have told my husband on numerous occasions that I am not happy with the lifestyle and the "hardcore" type of play style we had been following. I wanted to have some fun again and actually feel that chemistry and passion with our play partners. He decided to argue with me and make fun of me saying that I just wanted a "boyfriend" to bring me flowers and shit!

Now, I try to avoid any chance at going out and meeting people. I pretend to be sick or I say I'm having my period or I make something up. He continues to portray us on this site as "hardcore" swingers that will fuck anybody and everybody that claims to be swingers. I read all of his forum posts and emails but I'm not sure that he knows this. He has even gone to meet people without me but has not played with anyone. I am not active on this site at all other that lurking at what he is doing on here. I hate what I'm doing and I hate what we've become. He is mentally still in the lifestyle and I'm trying to avoid it at all costs. We haven't gone to any lifestyle related activities in a couple of years. Yes, I'm that good at avoiding it!

My husband and I still have sex but very rarely (about once or twice a month) and the sex is good but not great. I miss the sexual enhancement that the lifestyle once gave us. I'm just so turned off by his hardcore style of wanting to be in the lifestyle. He will have sex with anyone who says they are a swinger and will not talk with me about it first. I end up taking one for the team in most situations that we've been in.

I'm afraid to talk to him about this anymore because he will just turn it into an argument and I will end up feeling like the person who is wrong. I can't go on living like this.

Any advice on how we can come to some sort of agreement on our involvement in the lifestyle? Am I asking too much or do I have to settle for "nice shoes, want to fuck"?? What happened to the fun?

What's a wife to do?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Been there, felt that.
First, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I can empathize all too well.

This has to come to a breaking point, no matter how hard it is for you. I held those feelings in for so long that one day, I couldn't contain myself anymore.
Yes, it will turn into a fight. But, stand your ground. Don't back down. Speak your feelings with conviction and certainty.

In the end, this is simply about his priorities.
Does he respect your feelings enough to consider a change? Or does he feel so strongly about this style of swinging that he will risk his marriage to continue pursuing it?

Sweetie, there really is no way to avoid this much longer. All you will end up doing is building on your resentment.

Tell him how unhappy you are. Again.

Ask him: What is the most important thing to you?

Tell him that his actions speak volumes, but his words are empty.

My outside e-mail address is octobersky_78@yahoo.com

I know your situation is sensitive, so contact me there and we can talk. I can offer better suggestions to you outside of this site since your account e-mail is 'monitored'. My advice here is too weak to help you without talking to you privately.
I'd like to share some of my personal experiences with you to help with your dilemma. If anything, it's nice to call on someone just be heard.



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