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Question: How to turn someone down

Dear Lounge Advice,

How do you handle a situation where you might be asked to go into a bedroom with someone that you have no physical or intellectual attraction to.

I don't want to hurt their feelings and let's face it some people are sensitive. I also know that for some people sex is sex and it doesn't matter if there is an attraction or not just pure sex. However I am not that person. My husband and I are not jealous of each other but I may not always be attracted to the spouse of someone he is attracted to and vice versa.

I also would like to know how you graciously tell someone that you would prefer not to be touched inappropriately. Everyone should respect boundaries and the no means no concept but that is not always the case.

Thank you,



Dear (Anonymous),

If someone touches you and you don't want it, walk away. Do it again if they don't get the hint. If it continues, just tell them that you prefer not to be touched like that.
If they can't take the rejection, that's their cross to bear, NOT yours. Don't ever feel like you cannot state your preferences. If someone doesn't like or respect this, again, it is their problem.
When we're not attracted to another couple, we simply say to one of them that a 4-way connections doesn't exist. We let them down lightly by telling them that they're GREAT to hang out with, but we'd prefer to stay that way.
It's usually the easiest of it is done woman to woman or man to man. Doing it with both of them there, while you're both trying to explain- well, it can be awkward and uncomfortable.
My husband usually handles this with the man if we're not feeling it. Or, if I can get the girl alone (usually in the bathroom), I'll break the news to her in a nonchalant way that doesn't hurt her feelings. I'm usually happy to blame it on myself so they don't feel like TWO people don't want to hop into bed with them. Using the woman's "discriminating tastes" is less of an ego-deflator than having them suspect that neither one of you digs them.
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