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Question: Seeking mutual sexual understanding.

Dear Lounge Advice,
I can agree in some ways with the recent letter from the woman who is feeling "pressure" to go further than she wants. Full swap with another male without the "mental connection" I have with my husband is not appealing to me. I love sex but I want the mental stimulation to enjoy it. I can find that with woman to a level because they "relate" to me and I know that I'm not merely a "wet opening" for lack of a better term to just "do". I'm not looking for love but I want a level of respect and sex without any emotion involved is very empty to me. Some of the women I have a friendship with so it builds the excitement in my mind. I have enjoyed oral sex, kissing and such with other men but I just don't want the emptiness mentally of having a guy doing me and I feel nothing for him. My husband can't seem to understand what the big deal is. He can and seems to almost prefer the idea of sex without the connection. We've enjoyed this lifestyle for a couple years now and I find that I need to share my thoughts with him sometimes and he's not interested in talking about it. He says it basically ruins his fun and that's what he's looking for is fun. I love him dearly but this lifestyle seems to make him very selfish at times....I feel more like a prop than someone he enojoys it with. He'll say I shouldn't do something I'm not comfortable with but if it later effects what he's wanting out of the situation then he gets upset with me. The more I try to talk about it to understand it the more he gets upset with me. I have enjoyed several of the people we've met but I feel so alone at times and it's a lifestyle that you just can't go run out and talk to everyone about. Do most men in this lifestyle act like this or do they talk about it with their partners if someones confused? I know men and women think differently but I wish I knew how to make him more open to listening to me when I really need to talk about it. Wishing I knew how to find the mutual happiness for both of us.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

It seems that he is being very selfish here... especially when it comes to listening to what you are really saying. You sound like you are willing to be flexible as long as he takes your feelings into consideration... which he is not.

It also sounds to us like he is not taking what you have to say very seriously and acting quite childish about the whole thing....so perhaps you need to get his attention... the same way you do with any other child... and take what he really wants away from him.

He is probably not going to fare very well as a single male... so why not suggest that you take a break from the lifestyle for a while. That should get his attention !!!

The common element in everything that we tell people is to over-communicate with each other. Communication isn't supposed to be one-way.

There is a difference between hearing what someone is saying and understanding or empathizing with them. He needs to understand that he cannot just disregard what you are telling him because doing that has negative ramifications.

Right now he has nothing to lose by just deflecting what you are saying instead of trying to deal with it.... so you may need to show him that there it will effect HIM if he continues to do just ingnore YOUR feelings.

Most husbands recongnize that in the lifestyle they are viewed as part of a couple and many of the activities that they enjoy are because they are part of a couple. Without you... he gets very little.

Also most husbands are thankful of that and therefore are more attentive to their spouses. Of course some men get lazy and become forgetfull.

Theres and old saying, "Ya gotta dance with the girl you brought..." Just remind him that he cant even come to this dance without you.



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